Report: Roger Goodell Lets Taylor Swift Do Whatever She Wants to Him

By Clay Beyersdorfer

NEW YORK - In an unlikely turn of fortune that has shocked the football world, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, long accustomed to the ire of fans and players alike, has found a new, wildly profitable silver lining in his career, one that may come at a personal cost. 

Amidst the rumors of music superstar Taylor Swift dating Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, Goodell is allegedly basking in the glow of substantial spikes in ticket and jersey sales from adoring Swifties and is reportedly so ecstatic that he has granted Taylor Swift free rein to do “whatever she wants to him.”

“I am talking ANYTHING she wants,” emphasized a senior NFL executive who wished to remain anonymous. “Like, I had to sign for a package of whips and chains last week that was addressed to his office type of anything.”

The pop star, who took in the Chiefs’ Sunday night game against the Jets, was reportedly seen Tuesday issuing decrees from a newly constructed diamond throne placed thoughtfully in the league office’s front lobby. 

Though her orders thus far have been relatively benign – requiring Goodell to recite her lyrics before every public appearance and paint his face with glitter for all official photographs – insiders fear she may soon demand more.

“She could put a fucking lit cigarette out on his face and he’d probably ask for another,” the executive added. “We’re making so much money right now I don’t even have time to finish this conversation. I need to get back to responding to her fan mail because apparently, that is my job now.”

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Those outside the league’s circle have expressed concerns over the newly formed corporate structure. 

"Swift could send Goodell running down the streets with nothing but his dick in his hand, reciting ‘Love Story’ backward and in Chinese if it meant they could keep this revenue stream going," senior NFL insider Adam Schefter noted on live television. “The woman cannot and will not be stopped. There’s no doubt about it, Boom, Taylor Swift IS football now.”

Despite the potential damage to his reputation, Goodell remains unfazed, instead focusing the majority of his attention on the mountains of cash flowing in. 

“Must have more Taylor. Taylor Football. Football Good,” Goodell said when reached for comment.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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