Little League Star Suspended for Orange Juicing

Juiced up

The face of a scumbag.

MILLVALE, Penn. - Millvale Astros shortstop Tommy “The Dynamo” Smith has been suspended for violating Little League Baseball’s Performance Enhancing Drinks guidelines, End of the Bench has learned.

The beloved Tee Ball League slugger and rising star is grappling with sudden disciplinary action and devastating reputational damage over revelations of orange juicing. It’s a scandal proving difficult to shake and has eclipsed the seven-year-old veteran’s storied achievements.

“In a game with few household names, watching the sport’s biggest icon go down like this is tough,” said Tommy’s manager. “I’ve known The Dynamo half his life, and he’s never cheated on anything. Well, unless you count math tests.”

Per Little League rules, a player may consume juice no later than twenty-four hours before a matchup. Operating on an anonymous tip, a mid-game investigation revealed discarded Sunny D boxes and crushed-up Smarties in Tommy’s locker. 

When confronted, the power-hitter stumbled out of a bathroom stall—mouth coated in orange residue—and collapsed from an apparent juice-crash delirium.

The controversy is reminiscent of Jonny Jackson’s famous tee-corking debacle and is Little League’s most sordid affair since pitcher Juan Nunez was caught with a sticky substance later determined to be a melted KitKat. 

While shocking to the public, orange-juicing rumors have trailed Tommy for months. 

“It started with postgame orange slices and spiraled out of control,” said a teammate of Smith. “Before long, he was popping starbursts between innings and zooming around the dugout pretending to be a race car. It’s been hard to watch.”

Reports first broke from an Astros tattletale whose identity is hidden by Little League’s whistleblower protections. Further evidence emerged via the Mitchell Report Card—a friend’s mid-semester transcript that on its back read “Got any Capri Sun?” in Tommy’s handwriting.

For breaching the PED rules, Smith has been suspended four games, grounded for two weeks, and fined two hundred thousand dollars. That financial penalty will surely break the cash-strapped phenom’s allowance-less piggy bank.

His suspension has also devastated an Astros offense already depleted by a chickenpox outbreak.

On the season, Tommy has logged five inside-the-park home runs, led the league in doubles, and run in the wrong direction on the basepaths only once. Those career-high marks, and Smith’s legacy, are now plagued by questions of legitimacy; but the shortstop is doing his best to navigate the fallout.

“I like Mickey Mouse,” remarked the second grader about the investigation. “I don’t really see the big deal, but everyone is real mad, and I feel real bad, and I’m sorry.”

Tommy added that he’s learned his lesson, hopes to return soon, and promised to stick to PowerAde Zero for Kids.

At press time, a congressional hearing was being organized by the Republican head of the US House Committee on Child Care and Drag Shows.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get our fix.

What did you think of today's story?

Login or Subscribe to participate in polls.

Join the conversation

or to participate.