Aaron Rodgers Traded to Trump’s Presidential Cabinet

By Tatum Price 

NEW YORK—Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers has been traded to President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet, sources tell End of the Bench. 

Team Owner Woody Johnson announced the move Tuesday morning. 

“The Jets have a 1% chance of making the playoffs and, at this point, have no need for a quarterback,” Johnson said. “So I gave Trump a 99% discount.”

The move comes after two tumultuous seasons for Rodgers and the Jets, who haven’t been to the playoffs since 2010. Acquired during the 2023 season, Rodgers tore his Achilles, spending the paid time off between physical therapy and psychedelics. 

Rodgers has struggled in his return to the field this season, leading the Jets to a 3-8 record alongside back-to-back losses of head coach Robert Saleh and general manager Joe Douglas.

When learning he was the next to leave town, Rodgers appeared thrilled. 

“I may no longer complete passes on the field,” Rodgers said. “But I can still throw a good conspiracy theory.” 

Rodgers will serve as the Director of Hallucinations in Health and Human Services, working under fellow debunked conspirator Robert F. Kennedy Jr. 

After declining to be RFK Jr’s presidential running mate early this year, Rodgers is now eager to work with him again, stating, “Jr. played Democrat, Independent, and Republican all in one year, proving he knows how to trade teams to get to the White House. I can’t wait to return to work with him and the worm inside his brain.”

When asked what he will focus on first, Rodgers says he’ll push for medicinal treatments using ayahuasca.  

“To develop immunity, we don’t need vaccines. It’s better to projectile vomit out our demons,” he added. “Like the one standing in the room with us right now. Can’t you see him? LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, MAN!”  

Getting ready for flu season, the one-time Super Bowl Champion claims he’s already immunized, but for the rest of the public, will authorize the use of Shamans at every local pharmacy. 

Rodgers also acknowledged that while he's not a medical professional and doesn’t have a college degree, he still believes the government created HIV and will be working with Reddit users for future research.

As for the Jets, Johnson hinted there may be more personnel moves on the horizon.

“Everyone is on the table to be traded to anybody, anywhere,” Johnson said. “I heard Matt Gaez will no longer be Attorney General, so maybe he’d join us as General Manager. High school volleyball season will be over by then, too, so I’m sure he’s got the time.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get traded.

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