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Shortened Pitch Clock Shaves Off 26 Minutes of Day Drinking

Baseball is ruined forever

Cold beer!

By Emily Knapp

The recent rule change to a shortened pitch clock for the 2024 MLB season has created turmoil throughout baseball’s fanbase, both on and off the field, after fans recently noticed about a half hour less time to drink beer at the ballpark.

At a heated press conference after their most recent game, Oakland Athletics Manager Mark Kotsay was peppered with questions about the effects of this new rule on loyal fans who rely on sunny, day games to get obliterated. 

“I frankly don’t give a damn if the fans have less time to get drunk,” responded Kotsay, tersely. “The change allows the game to be more dynamic and people are more engaged. That’s what we should be focused on. Our fans will be fine, sober or not.”

End of the Bench confirmed fans across the sport are, in fact, not fine.

“Do you SEE how sober I am right now?! I should be so drunk that my friends…that’s my friends right there…have to discuss whether to take me to the hospital or not. I AM DRUNK!!!!!! But like, not fucking enough, you know?” said Dan Lehmen, stumbling backward into a family of five after being kicked out of Rockies’ Coors Field. “Wait what was your question again?”

Lehmen wasn’t the only fan disappointed with the drastically diminished drinking duration.

“One of the highlights of my summer is when I play hooky from work, go to a day game at Fenway, and then slam as many Bud Lights as I can,” said Bryan Johnson, Boston Red Sox season ticket holder. “Now, I’m expected to get the same level of drunk in about eight innings. Am I supposed to drink less beer now and be okay with it? Unacceptable.”

“I’m just worried, okay?” says Jacob Reynolds, a 30-year-old Mariners fan. “First less drinking time, then what’s next? Not being allowed to pee against a building in public drunkenly? I don’t want to live in that world.”

Despite the outrage, not everyone sees the shortened drinking time as a negative. 

Many noted on social media they hadn’t even noticed the time difference because they were already drunk when they got to the game. Others said the change allowed them to find public transit better, improve their Uber star ratings, and even shorten the length of their hangovers.

“Yesterday we had a night game against the White Sox and thanks to the shortened pitch clock, I was home by ten,” said Christopher Morel, Chicago Cubs third baseman. “I had enough time to catch up on the new season of Abbott Elementary before heading to bed for the night. It’s changed my life.”

Players across the league have said they also notice a positive difference, with many claiming the shortened clock allowed for more time with their families. In contrast, others noted that the time difference allowed for more space for new hobbies.

When reached for comment, the MLB declined to discuss “an ongoing issue.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we finish this beer.

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