Stadium Wave Veers Off Course, Destroys Entire City

What a disaster.

Horrifying stuff.

By Clay Beyersdorfer

JUPITER, Fla. - In an unprecedented disaster, a stadium wave initiated during a spring training game veered wildly off course, destroying the coastal town entirely. 

The wave, which started innocuously in the fifth inning of the game at Jupiter Stadium, quickly escalated beyond the confines of the ballpark, sweeping through the streets with a force that left residents and authorities stunned. 

"It was like watching a living tsunami of team spirit," recounted one shell-shocked spectator. “Except the screams and cries for help were much more terrifying.”

As the wave barreled through the city, buildings crumbled, cars were tossed aside, and palm trees were uprooted. The local aquarium, a popular tourist attraction, was hit especially hard, with reports of confused dolphins and manatees seen navigating the newly formed urban rivers.

Jupiter mayor Jim Kuretski, speaking from an emergency shelter, declared the city a disaster zone and has called for state and federal assistance. 

"We're used to dealing with hurricanes, but nothing could have prepared us for this," he said, visibly emotional. “How could God let something like this happen to good people? Parents are unable to find their children for Christ’s sake.” 

Experts are baffled by the phenomenon, with some suggesting that the combination of spring training enthusiasm and Jupiter's unique coastal geography created a perfect storm for the wave's catastrophic detour.

As the cleanup begins, Jupiter officials are considering banning stadium waves altogether.

"We can't risk another wave of this magnitude,” said one city council member who wished to remain anonymous. “Do you know how hard it is for senior citizens to swim? There’d be more death than a nursing home.”

The tragic event has left the baseball world in shock, with Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred issuing a statement expressing condolences and promising to review safety protocols. 

“We must stop fan waves,” Manfred said. “This is why I am proposing a wave clock to shorten the length of fans’ overly enthusiastic and unnecessary celebration of the game. We must stop these monsters.”

Meanwhile, the people of Jupiter are left to rebuild, their spirit undampened but their city forever changed by the day the stadium wave went too far.

End of the Bench will have more as soon as we find our family members.

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