MLB Adds 1,000 More Games To Schedule, Claims “No One Will Notice”

By Brisa Sylvestre

NEW YORK - To draw higher ratings, Major League Baseball announced Monday that the league will add 1,000 games to this season’s upcoming schedule, saying “no one will notice a thousand more.”

“The season almost takes up most of the year anyway, so we figured, why not? We want games every hour on the hour!”  said MLB spokesman Scott Sanders in a press conference. “Most players don’t even realize how many games they play right now.”

Sanders went on to talk about how the league will combine the equivalent of nearly ten seasons to try and fit it into one.

“The games will be scattered throughout the league, this way, we spread the wealth, I mean, the innings, evenly,” he added, before removing his cap, revealing a stack of cash sitting underneath. “That’s what every fan wants right? More innings of baseball?” 

When asked by one reporter how the MLB thinks no one would notice an additional 1,000 games this season, Sanders chuckled.

“Tell me exactly how many games they play now and how that would feel any different than 1000. Have you ever gone to an actual baseball game?” he lamented. “Nine innings sometimes feels like an entire season. You’re telling me those very same people are going to notice the difference?”

Despite Sanders’ optimism, there’s still plenty of reason to be skeptical, says Greg Wyatt, President of the National Baseball Hot Dog Association.

“Where the fuck are we going to get all the hot dogs for these games? The stadium vendors are pressed as it is. At this rate, expect hot dogs to be wiped from store shelves completely.” said Wyatt as he chucked a hot dog out of frustration, before running to go pick it back up. “Say goodbye to your Fourth of July wiener, folks.”

At press time, league officials were seen updating contracts while Wyatt was seen trying to commandeer the nation’s supply of hot dogs.

End of the Bench will have more as soon as we finish this hot dog.

Related stories: