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Man Doesn’t Understand WNBA or Basic Facts About His Small Existence

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Can’t figure this whole women’s basketball thing out.

By Devin Wallace

As the WNBA grows in size and impact, some men need help acclimating to its growing popularity, End of the Bench has learned. 

Basketball fan Dennis Bader said he can’t wrap his head around the women’s league, or many of the routine facts about his day-to-day existence.

“I’m supposed to remember these new teams and these new lady players?” asked Bader, drenched in sweat trying to recall his Netflix password, which was “password.” “Life used to be simple. You could watch an NBA game and drink a juice box after school. Now there’s a different league and I never have anyone to help me open my juice box. This world is a nightmare.”

The unemployed 37-year-old said he spent the afternoon watching a New York Liberty game, shouting “Who’s that?” at his television screen, before wandering the streets asking the same question about inanimate objects, like a fire hydrant, or a piece of twine.

“It’s exhausting, my brain can’t handle it,” said Bader, whose biggest fear is being asked to explain how Wi-Fi works. “I don’t know what an Indiana Fever is or how to open a savings account. They’re trying to push this new stuff on us. It’s Caitlyn Clark this or pay your income tax that. None of this makes sense!”

 

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Bader, forgetting to zip his fly for the third time that day, said he wouldn’t have a problem if the leagues were more similar.

“NBA games are 48 minutes, but WNBA games are 40 minutes, so now I’m keeping track of all that and all the reasons my wife listed in her separation agreement?” he added. “The WNBA and the NBA should have the same teams, and the same players, and there shouldn’t be different names for days of the week. It’s too much!”

Bader explained how trying to understand this new league isn’t just tiring, but also frightening, claiming it’s nearly as scary as “when a train on a movie screen races toward him and he has to dive out of the way, or when his uncle steals his nose and refuses to give it back.”

After learning the league plans to expand to Toronto next season, Bader rolled his eyes and said nobody would watch a team from Europe.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we figure out how to work this thing called a “remote.”

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