Nobody In Man’s Lonely, Empty Existence Watches Women’s Basketball

By Devin Wallace

BLOOMINGTON, In. - Men’s basketball fan Doug Koch has refused to believe in the growing popularity of women’s basketball, saying not a single one of the fleeting, nameless strangers that briefly orbit his lonely existence has ever spoken to him about women’s basketball, or anything else.

“I don’t believe the hype around women’s hoops,” said Koch just before saying hello to a Taco Bell cashier in his longest human interaction of the week. “I don’t hear a peep about it, not in my silent commute home, or in my bare living room, and I’m sure I’ve never heard the name Caitlin Clark when I stare at the ceiling wondering where it all went wrong.”

Koch continued, unrequested, on.

“Look, I’m glad the ladies have their own version of basketball or whatever,” he added. “But it won't make my brain stop thinking about Lebron James or Steph Curry or how if I died in my bathroom it would be weeks before anyone would notice. Everyone in my life, all the fleeting passersby with interior lives I’ll never know, agrees with me…I imagine.”

Even online, Koch isn’t seeing the enthusiasm for women’s hoops, claiming he spent hours on Twitter (X) asking his seven followers if they watched the WNBA. 

He received a single response: NUDES IN BIO.

“I’ve tried seeing if people cared about women’s basketball in all sorts of places online,” said Koch. “I’ll ask in all sorts of comments on Kate Upton profile pics, Women’s Day announcements from the U.N., anything Greta Thurnberg posts. No one wants to tell me if they like the WNBA. The only reply I get is ‘Your Account Is Suspended For Violating Our Terms of Service.’”

Despite the lack of actual insight, the former Junior Varsity quarterback contends he is “tapped into” the world of sports and culture. 

Koch even went as far as to say he spent last weekend talking about the Women’s NCAA Basketball tournament to dozens of women alone with him in an elevator, but admitted he only received uncomfortable looks and alarmed body language. 

“No matter where I go, NOBODY wants to talk to me…about women’s hoops,” he said. “It’s almost like the media is overblowing it or something…PAY ATTENTION.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we proclaim Caitlin Clark to be HER.

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