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Warriors Hope to Acquire Dwight Howard and Happiness of Their Younger Days


SAN FRANCISCO - The Golden State Warriors will soon meet with veteran Dwight Howard, hoping to add the three-time Defensive Player of the Year and acquire the long-lost sense of fun and happiness that came with playing the sport of their dreams, End of the Bench has learned.

While last year’s team excelled in their usual areas - three-pointers, ball movement, and compartmentalizing the onslaught of aging out of the only thing that provides meaning in their lives - team officials say they’re always looking for ways to improve and ways to feed the flames of their nostalgia.

“Last season we lacked a rebounding presence and the feeling that any of this is worth it anymore,” said head coach Steve Kerr, staring unblinking into a ceaseless and meaningless future. “It’s all about second-chance points and a second chance at capturing the burning passion of our youth. Also, steals. We need more steals.”

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Warriors veterans agreed with Kerr’s assessment, specifically stars Steph Curry, who is spending the offseason half-heartedly tossing old mouthguards into empty stands, and Klay Thompson, often seen kicking a rusty can down the road.

“We need to get back to our old selves,” said Curry, inhaling an old Davidson jersey and looking deep into the night sky. “Like when we were hungry underdogs, or when we had our limitless future ahead of us instead of a cemented past fleeting by in our rearview mirror.”

In a further nostalgia play, the Warriors are bringing in other critical cultural pieces from 2015, including Adele’s album “25,” the finale season of Parks and Recreation, and Andrew Bogut.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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