US Trades Football to Europe for Football

More football, please.

By Clay Beyersdorfer

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking turn of events, the United States has officially traded the entire game of football to Europe in exchange for football, informally known in the US as “soccer,” and cash considerations, sources tell End of the Bench.

Following years of increasingly frequent National Football League games in London and Germany, as well as the rapid expansion of Major League Soccer in the United States, the U.S. government in conjunction with the NFL, NCAA, and High School athletic departments across the country, decided to make the swap late Tuesday evening.

"We couldn't believe our luck," said one European diplomat who wished to remain anonymous. "All we did was throw in some of our finest beers and cuisines to sweeten the deal, and they handed over the entire sport without hesitation. They didn’t even want our universal healthcare!"

In an official statement, the White House praised the deal as a "bold move towards international unity and cultural exchange,” while noting that the NFL's exhaustive amount of games in Europe this season is what spurred the initial discussions. 

"We realized that Europeans just weren't getting the full American experience from those occasional NFL games, and haven’t really felt the full weight of our influence since the great World Wars," explained White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Now, they'll have the chance to enjoy seven straight hours of commercial-free football with Scott Hanson, just like us. And also maybe some war."

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Meanwhile, MLS officials are thrilled about the deal, as they anticipate an influx of talent from Europe and a new level of understanding of the game for Americans.  

"Finally, the world will see that soccer is a real sport, not just a bunch of guys running around for 90 minutes or a vehicle for Ted Lasso’s emotional maturation," proclaimed MLS Commissioner Don Garber. "We’re even in talks with Toby Keith to perform at halftimes to make it more American."

While some Americans are excited about the prospect of soccer taking over, others are stockpiling footballs and jerseys, fearing the impending extinction of their beloved sport. 

One die-hard football fan commented, "I never thought I'd see the day when I'd have to explain what a touchdown is to my grandchildren. It's a dark day for America. Or should I say, ‘Joe Biden’s America.’"

As the United States embarks on this bold new era of soccer diplomacy, only time will tell if the trade will prove to be the right move for a nation already so divided. One thing remains absolutely true, however.

Roger Goodell just became the latest dictator to invade Europe.

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