- End of the Bench
- Track & Fear: IOC Taps Hell to Host 2036 Olympic Games
Track & Fear: IOC Taps Hell to Host 2036 Olympic Games
A logical choice.
By Rich TaylorThe International Olympic Committee (IOC) today announced the selection of Hell as host of the XXXVI Olympic Games. The secret ballot was held at the 139th IOC Session in Saint-Tropez, France. Because of strict COVID-19 restrictions, IOC members voted from their own respective yachts anchored in the French Rivera. “The vision demonstrated by the ‘Hell 2036 Committee’ checked every box,” Thomas Bach, President of the IOC, said. “The IOC is confident that the Games will result in long-term social and economic development for Hell and its denizens.” Satan, who governs Hell and is best known as the personification of evil and the nemesis of good, issued a manifesto hailing the news: “What a glorious day of dark triumph. I invite souls everywhere to join the thunder way down under in 2036 when we unleash Hell on the world!” Hell received 76 out of a possible 77 votes cast in a secret ballot, easily outpacing finalist host cities Athens and Gary, Indiana. Tragically, the voting session was interrupted by the mysterious death of an IOC member who was found impaled on the bowsprit of his yacht immediately following the vote. Consumer advocate and election-spoiler Ralph Nader offered a stinging rebuke of the IOC, saying “This is heretical.”“Look, Hell is arguably the most populated area on or inside of Earth,” he added. “The IOC knows that the Amazons, The General Life Insurances, and Metas (Facebook) of the world will pay unholy amounts to be official Olympic sponsors in that fiery untapped market.” The IOC also announced a $6.66 billion deal with NBC Universal to extend the network’s exclusive broadcasting rights thru the 2036 Hell Games. Comcast chairman and CEO Brian Roberts confirmed the agreement: “This deal with the Devil and IOC was one my family could not refuse. We look forward to seeing you all in Hell in 2036 and the launch of our ‘Must Obey TV’ lineup.” Sources, now all deceased, revealed that Hell’s final presentation was delivered by a literal murderer’s row, including the ghosts of Charles Manson, Al Capone, Idi Amin, and Lizzie Borden. Financials and overarching strategy were then presented by “America’s Mayor” Rudy Giuliani before the presentation concluded with a “sizzle reel’ created by the creative team behind HBO’s “Entourage.”During a Zoom press conference, Hell2036 Senior Vice Emperor of Communications Ari Fleischer addressed other specific criticisms of the IOC’s decision:On Hell receiving the Games before the continent of Africa: “I’m disappointed that some would fan the flames, no pun intended, of racism at such a historic moment. It’s convenient for critics to play the race card while ignoring that none other than Idi “the Butcher of Uganda” Amin, who was born and raised in Africa before relocating for eternity to Hell, is part of the Hell2036 Committee.” On concerns that the climate conditions in Hell will be a challenge to Olympic athletes: “So, folks are cool with Qatar hosting the World Cup but somehow Hell is a non-starter? Let’s look at the facts. First of all, athletes are going to love it because, and trust me on this, there is zero need to warm up due to, well ya know.” “Next, I saw that hyperbolic Miami Herald editorial critical of Hell. Has nobody on that editorial board endured a Marlins home game in July? I’m not sure there is a huge difference” “Lastly, these games are in 2036. Based on climate change projections, mainstream above-ground Earth will be a knock-off hellscape by then and I’m not just saying that to pat myself on the back for all of my work in deregulation. I’ll bet anybody that by ’36 such criticisms will be a case of the pot calling the kettle black and full of burning sulfur and wailing souls.” Fleischer shared that construction is expected to begin immediately to allow time for maximum torment of the free laborers who will endure a repeated cycle of structures repeatedly crumbling to dust just prior to completion.