Tips for Non-Basketball Fans to Convince Real Basketball Fans That You’re One of Them

By Divyansh Kulshrestha

With the NBA All-Star break approaching and NCAA March Madness on the horizon, what better way to become a basketball fan than by letting everyone know you are a true basketball fan? Use these tips and phrases to show off your true b-ball prowess.

1. “Guys, do you know who my favorite player of all time is? It’s 4-time MVP, 13-time All-Star, 2-time champion Wilt Chamberlain.”

This will show everyone that you’re not some dumbass who knows nothing about basketball and just googled ‘best basketball players all time’ even though you are a dumbass who knows nothing about basketball and just googled ‘best basketball players all-time.’

2. “That guy certainly plays nothing like my all-time favorite player Wilt Chamberlain who holds the record for most 60-point games by a player.”

Use this when a player misses an easy layup or makes a bad play. It will further reinforce the fact that you know important basketball-related facts.

3. “You know what kind of player this team needs? A player like 7-time NBA scoring champ Wilt Chamberlain.”

This will work when one of the teams looks utterly clueless and is getting absolutely blown out.

4. “Roses are red,

basketballs are round,

none of these players can beat

Wilt Chamberlain for a rebound.”

While this definitely proves that you have above-par basketball knowledge, we’re not sure if it’s the best way to show it. Just try not to use this as an opportunity to change the topic to the poetic genius of Robert Frost.

5. “Whoa, this pizza is amazing. WOW. It’s almost like the Wilt Chamberlain of pizza, right?”

This is a textbook case of trying a bit too hard.

6. “Come on Tom, can’t a guy enjoy his pizza and admire the greatest center in NBA history at the same time...Come, on man.”

Do not involve Tom in this.

7. “Oh really, Tom…Ok that’s a simple question. Let’s see…The most famous highlight of Wilt Chamberlain’s career was YOUR MOM!”

Wrong. It’s actually his 100-point game against the New York Knicks. And that is not the sick burn that you think it is.

8. “Hey, Tom. I’m pretty sure one of the rebounding titles Wilt Chamberlain won was for catching your mom.”

Ok, a slightly better effort, but we suggest you leave the house immediately.

9. “Gina, it’s not my fault…He started it…Tell him to shut up or I’ll go Wilt Chamberlain on him.”

No one uses that as a threat. That’s the cheesiest threat ever.

10. “Wait, his mom what…Cancer?...Oh god…Hey, Tom, I’m so sorry man.”

We already told you to avoid Tom.

11. “Yeah, it’s my fault. I’m sorry…How old was she?...63? Oh, man…Even Wilt Chamberlain died at 63 due to cardiovascular disease.”

Not helping.

12. “What? You all want me to leave…But we’re having so much fun…That’s like asking Wilt Chamberlain to leave your team.”

No, it’s not, and you would’ve known that if you knew even the tiniest bit about basketball.

13. “FYI – Wilt Chamberlain would drop 100 points on cancer’s ass.”

Just take the pizza and run.