Tiffany Trump Enters NCAA Transfer Portal
Cites "family issues"
By Rich Taylor
MAR-A-LAGO - In a stunning development this morning, End of the Bench has confirmed that Tiffany Trump, daughter of former President Donald Trump, has entered the NCAA's transfer portal.
Her announcement essentially ends her time with the Trumps.
“I want to thank Donald Trump, the Trump Organization, all of my steps, and, of course, MAGA-nation for the past 28 years,” Ms. Trump posted on her Instagram. "I have made strong relationships that will last a lifetime with step-siblings, a stepmother, Hope Hicks, and too many others to post here,” Tiffany wrote. “However, after careful and prayerful consideration, I am entering the transfer portal."
Former President Donald Trump issued a public statement shortly thereafter:
“Tiffany was a great daughter for 28 years. Maybe the greatest daughter Marla and I ever had. Now she says she is transferring or something. I don’t know, first I’ve heard of it,” the former commander-in-chief said. “But people are saying she is making a terrible, terrible mistake. Some are saying that maybe Sleepy Joe and Obama were up to something maybe not so good. Who knows? It’s a shame, but we’re doing great.”
[Editor’s note: the issued statement somehow managed to ramble and trail off even in written form]
Although a blockbuster announcement to most of the sporting world, ESPN analyst Paul Finebaum said the move should not have come as a surprise.
“Tiffany can read the writing on the wall. With Don Jr., Eric, and Ivanka ahead of her on the depth chart, Team Trump is already deep, and then you have up-and-comer Barron nipping at her heels,” explained Finebaum. “If you put yourself in her Louboutins, the writing is very much on the boardroom wall.”
“Remember, the Team Trump that brought Tiffany on board is not the same one that is there today,” legendary New York Post gossip columnist Cindy Adams while sipping a Singapore Sling in the lobby bar of the Waldorf Astoria.
“Tiffany was part of the Marla Maples squad. The Ivana trio aren’t going anywhere and Melania personally carried Barron,” she went on to say. “Tiffany is a step-sandwich. I’m surprised she waited this long to transfer. Maybe she was waiting to see if the election would be overturned first. Who can say?”
It is unclear if Tiffany has a new family target in mind but oddsmakers believe they have a leading contender.
“Look, I’m like 16-20 picking on Gameday so take this with a grain of salt,” said ESPN prognosticator Chris “The Bear” Fallica. “But I would shove all of my chips into the state of Florida and the Gov. Ron DeSantis family.”
DeSantis is often viewed as Trump’s most formidable opponent should the former POTUS run in 2024.
“Landing Tiffany would be a double win,” explained Fallica. “You take from your foe and add to your roster. It’s a no-brainer for Team DeSantis.”
MSNBC’s Steve Kornacki spent three hours using an interactive map to explain how Tiffany Trump’s announcement could have a domino effect.
“If you’re an Andrew Giuliani and you compare your father with this opening on Team Trump, do you dip your privileged toe in the Mar-A-Lago waters?” asked the bespectacled map-matician. “And then you have a wild card like Hope Hicks. Trump already thinks of her as a really attractive daughter. Might he want to make it official?”
Kornacki also pointed out that it isn’t just GOP families that are experiencing turbulent off-seasons.
“Oh, by the way, Team Cuomo’s bench is empty. Hunter Biden might enjoy that New York art world more than the knick-knacks of Delaware,” speculated the khaki-clad telestrator.
Reached for comment, Fox Sports announcer Gus Johnson shrieked “CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? TIFFANY TRUMP HAS LEFT THE BUILDING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!”
End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.
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