by Noah Cohen-Greenberg and Sam Mermin

Ernie: Ernie Johnson here with Kenny Smith, Shaquille O’Neal, and Charles Barkley. This journey began in District 12, with a brave volunteer named Katniss who didn’t want to see her sister compete in the Games. We saw the tributes whittled down to two: Katniss and Peeta. And then, the Game ended in a tie. Fellas, what do we think? Shocking? Historic?

Shaq: Weak.

Kenny: Well, I think credit where credit is—

Charles: Probably the worst Games I’ve ever seen. 

Shaq: Weak as hell.

Charles: What’s the name of the kid––the stocky kid from District 2?

Ernie: Cato.

Charles: Cato, Bato, whatever. The District 2 kid. How is a career tribute going to go out to a wolf? Who wants to see that?

Kenny: Well you’ve got to give it to the engineers—those were some mean-looking dogs.

Charles: Yeah, the wolves are big. But the way I learned the Game, there’s certain things you just don’t let happen if you’re a true competitor.

Kenny: Don’t let happen? By doing what?

Charles: You have to refuse. Absolutely refuse. You say: “I will not be eaten.”

Kenny: Okay, big guy. What I was about to say was––

Shaq: It’s like nobody knows how to play anymore. I mean, I’m sitting in my living room and I’m rooting for the wolves. That’s how bad this has gotten.

Ernie: Well I don’t know about that, Shaq, but what I do know is we have to talk about the drama from tonight—certainly something no one expected. A little-known tribute from an outer district winning with a partner. Where does this rank among the all-time Hunger Games surprises?

Kenny: History was made. Maybe it rubbed people the wrong way, but we’re looking at two tributes who came in from a poor district with smart gameplans and got the job done. That’s impressive. And maybe it’s even more impressive considering they aren’t the strongest, or the fastest, or the—

Shaq: I won four NBA championships.

Ernie: Shaq.

Shaq: Three in a row, an MVP award––

Ernie: Now, I’ve got to point out for our listeners, those were in basketball.

Shaq: Ernie. Ernie. The Everdeen kid. She’s talented. I don’t want to take anything away from that. But I’ve seen enough today, and I’m gonna say it: she doesn’t have what it takes.

Kenny: She just won the Hunger Games.

Shaq: It’s not about that Kenny. 

Kenny: Then what is it about?

Shaq: She’s soft. This whole Games is soft now. These guys can’t even beat tracker jackers. You’re going to lose to bees? Bees? Really? In my days we ate the bees.

Ernie: Again, Shaq, we’ve got to assume you’re talking about the NBA here.

Charles: What was the name of the smaller girl––the one in the trees?

Shaq: The one hiding from everybody?

Ernie: Her name was Rue––from District 11.

Shaq: The one up in the tree, not going after anybody?

Ernie: Rue.

Charles: Now, I thought she played with a real poise.

Shaq: Play? Chuck! She didn’t play at all!

Charles: I’m not saying she’s the type to win the whole thing––I mean, she was always going to flame out in the first couple rounds. Small-market district. But that’s a player I like to watch.

Shaq: She is the problem with the Game today.

Charles: Hold on Shaq. We’re talking about by far the shortest competitor. Pound for pound, that’s an excellent performance.

Shaq: What do I care about “pound for pound.” She’s soft! She hid the whole damn time! And maybe if you’d done less hiding you’d have won a ring!

Ernie: Fellas! Fellas! Focus up. Tell me: do we think about our two winners?

Shaq: Well, she’s a good shot with the bow. The girl.

Ernie: Katniss.

Shaq: Right, that’s what I said. She’s got a good shot. But not much else.

Kenny: I’m not saying I agree with the decision-making at the end of the Games, but you can’t deny how impressive it is to win coming from District 12. That’s not just skill, it takes intangibles.

Charles: Better intangibles than Bato, I’ll say that much.

Shaq: Intangibles mean nothing without toughness. If I’m Katniss’s coach right now I’m telling her, “You can walk back to District 12.” I’m not impressed with this soft play.

Kenny: Wow.

Charles: Now Peter, he’s got a real good body for the game. 

Ernie: Peeta.

Shaq: Peter’s got a good body but he’s afraid to use it. He sat out of the tournament for like three days doing “load management.”

Kenny: He was bleeding to death in a river!

Shaq: I’ve heard all the excuses.

Ernie: Alright, we have to head into the break in just a moment, but before we go: predictions for the next Games?

Charles: Well I can tell you this much: You won’t be seeing Katnip anywhere near these Games again. Peter either. Nobody’s inviting them back after this joke.

Kenny: You think?

Charles: GUAR-AN-TEE.