Texans Secede From NFL

By Ryan David

HOUSTON—Citing unfair treatment, finances, and a lack of Super Bowls, the Houston Texans have seceded from the NFL and formed a competing sports league.

Texans owner Cal McNair announced the departure in a press conference.

“Four scores and seven playoffs ago, my father brought forth a new franchise with nothing but a dream, the clothes on his back, and a billion dollars, dedicated to the proposition that it would generate several billion dollars and sometimes win a Super Bowl. Those ambitions have fallen short, and today I declare our secession from the National Football League.”

Branded the Lone Star Association, the new organization provides a framework for competition between southern teams without what McNair calls “northern bias. " It has already welcomed ten additional seceded franchises from Dallas, Miami, New Orleans, and elsewhere. The LSA’s ambitious vision spans multiple sports, prompting MLB’s Tampa Bay Rays to join.

Those defections have caused unrest and triggered a growing crisis in sports.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Rays fan Evan Whittaker. “The Rays are still around? Didn’t they turn Tropicana Field into a landfill? I could’ve sworn the team moved to Montreal or something.”

The Texans’ unprecedented withdrawal drew a foreboding rebuke from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who vowed to reunify the NFL “by any means.” 

The LSA must also contend with the NFL players' union, which has since mobilized thousands of officers to enforce league compliance, what some are calling the “NFL Players Union Army.”

Texans players themselves are ambivalent. 

Houston quarterback CJ Stroud spoke to End of the Bench on the matter.

“Politics ain’t my thing, so I don’t care what you call it; I’m just here to get the ball into the end zone and not get arrested for domestic violence like so many of my peers.”

Other players support Houston and the LSA.

“It’s time we take back this game,” remarked Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker. “I’m tired of the NFL dictatorship determining acceptable behavior. We need a league dedicated to free speech, where someone can speak their mind without internet trolls being mean to them and hurting their feelings and making them cry a little, but not in a gay way.”

Ultimately, the Texans hope this move will capture a broader, more lucrative market and allow them to embrace a racist team name, perhaps targeting people of Mexican descent. However, whether Houston’s gambit will pay off or end in disaster remains to be seen.

At press time, the Texans had declared war against the New England Patriots.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we secede.

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