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Super Bowl Win Fails to Transform Chiefs Fan into Paul Rudd

Is something wrong with the quantum realm?

By T. Kent Jones

KANSAS CITY - As the ball sailed through the uprights to secure Kansas City’s 38-35 Super Bowl victory over the Philadelphia Eagles, Chiefs superfan Jerry Erickson expected his life to change—overnight.

“Here comes the miracle!” shouted the 27-year-old claims adjuster from Blue Springs, Missouri. “Today is the day I turn into Paul Rudd!!”

Actor Paul Rudd, best known for his affable comic roles and as the superhero Ant-Man, is also a devoted Kansas City Chiefs fan.

Erickson firmly believed that due to his unswerving loyalty to the Chiefs, he should now be rewarded with popularity, good looks, and a place in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Watching MVP Patrick Mahomes hoisting the Lombardi Trophy, Erickson said, “When they win, I win, right? That's how this is supposed to work.”

The next morning, still basking in the Chiefs’ victory, Erickson looked in the mirror expecting to find Rudd’s dry wit and boyish charisma but found instead—Jerry Erickson.

His world shattered.

“Why doesn’t my creepy obsession with the accomplishments of others make ME an Avenger?” cried Erickson, weeping into a red and gold foam tomahawk. “Two Super Bowl wins in the last four years for what? So I can still be Jerry Fucking Erickson? Come on, I’ve earned half a Rudd at least.”

Co-workers say Erickson seemed red-eyed and sullen in his cubicle at the insurance office.

Said one, “Jerry had been quoting “I Love You, Man” at us for months now so frankly, we are all kind of enjoying the silence. If he can’t be Paul Rudd, at least he can be less of an asshole.”

Erickson's girlfriend Bree Watkins tried to explain to him that wearing a red jersey and elastic waist track pants every day doesn’t change a person’s essential nature.

She said, “Paul Rudd isn’t Paul Rudd because he likes the Chiefs. Paul Rudd is Paul Rudd because he is not Jerry Erickson.”

Watkins added, “I told Jerry laundry is not character. You can support any team and still be a winner inside. Some of the most impressive people I know are Bears fans.”

Paul Rudd couldn’t be reached for comment as he is busy attending cool events Jerry Erickson will never be invited to.

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