Suggestions for Modernizing Football
Let's bring the game up to today's standards.
By Summer Koester
1. Women interface with male players on the field while men cheer on the sidelines in spray tans and booty shorts. The ball is gently carried to the other side, but only if it’s okay with everyone involved and full consent is given.
2. Players use their words when asking for the football from the runners. Players can consider using alternative persuasion, such as trading back rubs later or bartering trades/picks. Throwing is fine, provided it’s not too aggressive and agreed upon by all involved.
3. Players are encouraged to express vulnerability. For example, they can say: “I don’t like how these tight pants make me feel,” “my voice sounds unnaturally high in these pants,” and “this turf looks like my Uncle Weirdo’s backyard and brings back terrible memories,” and their feelings will be validated (see below).
4. Points are scored when teammates validate each other’s feelings by actively listening, asking clarifying questions, holding the player’s hand, or stroking their hair.
5. Brains prevail over brawn. Before allowing a block, pass interference, or tackle, players must win 2 out of 3 trivial pursuit style questions. If players cannot answer questions, they may give an authentic compliment about the other player’s mom.
6. This improved game of football is full of subtlety and nuance, and even the touchdown line can move depending on the players’ conditions and behaviors. In an effort to make the game more equitable, the finish line is closer for players with shorter legs and excessive body hair.
7. The star player, i.e. the Quarterback, is not just a young, handsome, white, good ole boy with privileged genes. He can be a she, or they, and preferably a persxn of color, gender non-binary, disabled, and a grandma. Cis men are considered only if they enjoy reading Jane Austen.
8. In celebrating one another’s differences, players are not forced to dress in the same monochromatic tones and offensive mascots. People can dress in a way that expresses their true, authentic selves, although sometimes people might show up naked, which could get awkward.
9. Aiming for perfection leads to confidence issues later in life, so rather than viewing the game through a narrow winner-loser paradigm, players won't even care if they win a game or not.
Basically, they get on the field, they walk around, they talk about the concept of passing a ball onto the next generation, they discuss what to have for dinner later, and they pitch in to help cook.
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