STUDY: Kicking Out Intoxicated Fans Decreases Overall Attendance

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By Lauren Grimaldi

CHICAGO - According to a new study, stadiums across the nation would be left completely empty if they abided by common signage warning fans that they’ll be removed from the premises if they appear to be too intoxicated.

“This longitudinal study took place over the course of four years in which we observed the nation’s most intoxicated fans at their beloved home stadiums,” said lead researcher Nigel Downes. “We concluded that if all sporting event attendees had to refrain from being fall-over drunks throughout the game, sports fandom could be wiped out in its entirety.”

The researchers visited several ballparks, hockey arenas, and football stadiums across the country, finding stronger proof of their results in some cities compared to others.

“One of our strongest pieces of evidence came in Chicago on a frigid day at Soldier Field,” said Downes. “Who other than thousands of dangerously intoxicated people would willingly risk frostbite to sit and watch such mediocrity?”

According to Downes, teams that already struggle with attendance may be particularly troubled by these findings.

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The study also left room for future research, particularly when it comes to rules and regulations warning fans to abstain from fistfights and altercations.

“We conclude that there are particular cities, where not allowing fan-on-fan violence would be more detrimental to ticket sales than tossing drunk fans out,” Downes said. “Which proves what many of us thought to be true for years - fighting is better for you than drinking.”

When asked about these particular findings, Boston native Jake Jackson pinned the researcher up against a wall and said, “What the fuck do you mean by that, you little punk?”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we spend $25 for one beer to watch the Chicago Cubs lose.