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Stadium Beer Vendor Elected Speaker of the House
Get your democracy here!
By Clay Beyersdorfer
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an unprecedented turn of political events, Republicans have elected stadium beer vendor, Bob "Cold One" Henderson, as the new Speaker of the House of Representatives.
The decision comes after weeks of internal chaos for the House majority party, including voting Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) out of his role as Speaker and bungling the election of 2020 election denier Jim Jordan (R-OH), who announced he was no longer in the running for the position late last week.
Following a series of late-night weekend meetings, sources tell End of the Bench the biggest takeaway was, "Everybody loves beer!"
"Bob has exactly what this country needs right now: enthusiasm, projection, and the ability to navigate crowds - a skill clearly missing in recent Capitol security footage," stated one anonymous GOP representative. "Plus, he's never tweeted anything controversial. Or anything at all, because he still uses a flip phone."
Henderson, who's spent the last 20 years bellowing "Ice cold beer here!" at sporting events around the D.C. area, was reportedly “confused” by what was happening, but honored nonetheless.
"I thought 'Speaker of the House' was a new kind of PA system gig at the ballpark," he confessed when reached for comment. "But hey, I won't turn down a job. Speaking of, I was actually working a Beetlejuice performance recently and recognized one of my new colleagues who was in attendance that night, so it’ll be nice to see a familiar face at work."
Political analysts note the GOP's radical move to fill the leadership vacuum with another distinctly non-political figure highlights their current strategy of "grasping at beer-soaked straws."
Critics have argued Henderson's policy knowledge might be limited to carrying large buckets of ice-cold brews, but supporters counter with his untarnished record of always delivering on his promises to the American people.
"His first act as Speaker this morning was asking for a show of 'ice cold hands' to vote, then attempting to initiate the wave," a congressional aide told EOTB. "Confusing? Yes. But it's the most bipartisan participation we've seen in months."
As for the ousted McCarthy and disregarded Jordan, reports indicate they’ll still have “prominent roles” within the party's leadership.
“They’d probably make excellent mascots in my former line of work from what I have seen on television,” Henderson added. “But I’m lucky to be able to call them my legislative brothers in arms now.”
Meanwhile, for his first order of business?
"Implementing Casual Fridays, with complimentary stadium cups for all!” Henderson said. “Also, and this is unrelated, the congresswoman from Georgia, is she also a replacement type thing, or who let her in?”
End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.
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