- End of the Bench
- Sports Gambler Develops Sure-Fire System for Getting Money from Brother-in-Law
Sports Gambler Develops Sure-Fire System for Getting Money from Brother-in-Law
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ - Frequent gambler Brett Blackwood has reportedly completed his fool-proof system ensuring he never loses money at a casino, End of the Bench has learned.
The system, designed over the course of “years of extensive research,” is composed entirely of apologetic, drunken phone calls to his much-wealthier brother-in-law, Craig.
“It’s a mathematical certainty,” said Blackwood as he drank his sixth Jack-and-Coke of the night and dialed his brother-in-law’s number. “As long as I only call Craig a few times per week, and I make sure I’m bawling my eyes out, he’ll always send me a few hundred bucks. Trust me, it’s a system that’s never let me down.”
Witnesses at the Ocean Casino Report were reportedly “stunned” by Blackwood’s success.
“He hit it every single time,” said fellow gambler Ronny Ertz. “Not the blackjack, god no, he lost every hand he played. But every time he got on the phone with his brother-in-law and his bottom lip started quivering, and he’d start begging and pleading for the guy not to tell his wife, he came back to the table with more chips. This guy just cannot lose, and I guess he just cannot stop gambling.”
Ocean Casino Resort officials, normally on the lookout for such efficient systems, have made no efforts to stop Blackwood from employing his time-tested methods.
“Stop him? Why would we ever stop that walking gold mine?” said general manager Frank D’Amico. “We love seeing our patrons be successful, if not at our games, then at mining their dwindling relationships for the money they need to sustain their degenerate lifestyles.”
Sources indicate Blackwood may be further attempting to refine his system, as he was seen DMing his neighbor, Dr. Marty Goldhoff, on Facebook Messenger.