Sports Can Be Loud and Confusing: Fortunately, So Can You!

Anybody can do sports.

by Camille LewisSo, you've been called upon to stand on the side of the pitch, in a display of dutiful parenting! ...But you don't understand sports at all. This can all be solved with three choice phrases and actions, leaving you feeling confident in your role as a parent despite your lack of sports knowledge and your child basking in the glow of your evident pride. Let's get started! "That's my boy out there!" There will be people to your left and right (and behind) that you can tell this. If you can catch your son’s eye and get a wave, this lends credence to your statement that it is, in fact, your boy out there. Nudging fellow parents and exaggerated pointing ensures a quicker response, and therefore quicker recognition of it being your boy out there. "Lovely day for it, isn't it?" It doesn't matter what the day has entailed in terms of events or weather. If you say this with enough enthusiasm and a big smile (see attached image of Jack Nicholson as Joker, 1989) any subject on the receiving end of this statement will be forced to reply in the affirmative, establishing your role as the alpha parent. "Ref, what are you doing!" There are versions of this that include expletives but please contain yourself and remember you are at a match for children. A good way to know when to say this phrase is when you see the hands of others being thrown up in exasperation. The height of the hands is key, parents! If needs to be a quick throw of hands and a heavy sigh. If you raise them too high you may start a Mexican wave. And you're all set! Go have fun watching your child perform in a sport that they didn't want to do and you've paid over $60 a kit for, that they will almost certainly ditch in a few months, leaving this expensive kit languishing in a locker for such a long time that it grows sentient life.

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