Spalding Announces New Line of Balls That Have Lifelike Faces

By James Knapp

BOWLING GREEN, KY - Sporting equipment juggernaut Spalding recently shocked both investors and the general public by announcing their plan to include a lifelike human face on the surface of any ball manufactured after January 1, 2023, sources who might actually be cenobites confirmed.

“Spalding stands by its decision to begin manufacturing every football, baseball, soccer ball, and volleyball with the pattern of a wrought, agonized face staring right back at whoever has to smash the thing,” proclaimed Spalding executive Wilson Rawlings in a press release earlier. “For too long, our balls have had to endure the brutality of feet, fists, and bats wailing on them with no expression of their own. Well, that all changes today. Get ready for the future - the future of balls with faces.”

Despite initial concern that the new balls would be “horrifying beyond even the darkest dreams of humanity,” early reports from members of various sports communities have been overwhelmingly positive.

“I love these new footballs! Kicking these faces is such a catharsis. It reminds me of all those nerds I used to wail on in high school,” explained Trent Slotter, kicker for the University of Colorado football team. “And the craftsmanship! These faces have such detail. Hey, is it possible for me to get one customized to look like my father's? Then we’ll see whose ‘field goals are sloppy’ won’t we, old man!”

At press time, several new lawsuits led to Spalding higher-ups clarifying that the faces are not made of actual human skin, but the likenesses have been based on those that have wronged them.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.