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Soccer Coach Claims That Cutting Just One 5th Grader From the Team Grants Him Undefeated Record, Eternal Youth

Just how does he do it?

By Nat Hrvatin

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Elementary school soccer coach Mike Lloyd shared his secret to maintaining a successful thirty-year coaching career while looking no older than twenty-five. 

End of the Bench sources have confirmed that neither his demeanor nor skincare routine were reasons for his team’s impressive win record and his youthful complexion.

“I believe when one player is made the sacrificial lamb that it makes the other players fall in line,” Lloyd explained while cutting up orange slices. “Also, I made a deal with a local warlock that I can have everything I want if I cut just one 5th grader from the soccer team and perform a ritual with his tears.”  

Lloyd squeezed the oranges into his eyes without wincing or even blinking.

“Oh, that’s my Mike,” his wife, Cristy, remarked while soaking soccer uniforms in a mixture of deer urine, bat blood, and mud found in the darkest part of the forest. “Sure, he’s a little unconventional, but he works so hard and looks SO good.”

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This year’s cut player, who has asked to go by the pseudonym “Teddy,” provided more insight into Coach Lloyd’s try-out process.

“It was humiliating. Coach Lloyd didn’t seem to care who he cut from the team. He said, ‘Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Mo,’ pointed at me, and that was it! I was out.” 

Immediately following our interview, Teddy tripped over the soccer ball he was dribbling and had to run inside for a juice box and “Mommy kisses.” 

As it concerns the use of dark arts and children, local warlock Magic Merrick explained his role in Coach Lloyd’s ritual, while performing at a child’s tenth birthday party.

“Look, I told Mike several times that I’m not a warlock. I’m a magician and not even a good one,” Magic Merrick said while pulling the wrong card from a deck of cards. “Apparently, the guy found this spell on Reddit, so now he collects the tears from the cut player, drinks it on a full moon, and thinks that works.” 

Magic Merrick proceeded to pull another incorrect card.

“All I’m saying is that he’s delusional. It’s not an actual spell. His team always wins because they smell so bad no one wants to be near them.” 

The second mystery — Coach Lloyd’s flawless skin — was debunked when EOTB discovered Coach Lloyd in the waiting room of a sought-after plastic surgeon.

When asked for a statement, Coach Lloyd quickly fastened a mask made from shin guards around his face and declined to comment. 

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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