Shohei Ohtani’s Interpreter Signs With DraftKings

By Ryan David

LOS ANGELES - After being fired from the Dodgers over accusations of illegal gambling and massive theft, Shohei Ohtani’s interpreter, Ippei Mizuhara, has signed with DraftKings, End of the Bench has learned.

Mizhuara inked the deal within hours of his departure from the Dodgers and amid allegations that he paid millions to an illegal bookmaking operation using Ohtani’s bank account.

The revelation that the superstar’s name is tied to felony theft—a sum of millions of dollars—has plunged Ohtani and Major League Baseball into disarray.

DraftKings quickly announced that they had acquired Mizuhara on a five-year, $4.5 million contract. That figure is an homage to the amount transferred using Ohtani’s account and makes Mizuhara the highest-paid employee in DraftKings history. 

“Once we heard how much cash Mizuhara had swindled from an unsuspecting rube, we knew he had what it takes to work for us,” said a DraftKings representative. “In terms of suckering people out of money for their gain, this guy might be a Senator come November.”

“This is an honor, but I assure you, every penny spent on my behalf was done legally and with integrity,” replied Mizuhara. “Underground cage matches are legal here, right?” 

Equal parts harrowing and confusing, the scandal has been marked by conflicting accounts from Mizuhara, Ohtani’s representatives, and the two-way phenom himself.

At one point, Ohtani acknowledged awareness of the money wire, before recanting the assertion and claiming that Mizuhara had incorrectly interpreted his statements.

“I have never gambled illegally, nor provided funds to pay off gambling debts,” said Ohtani, typing frantically into Google Translate. “My only focus has been playing baseball and making a ton of money doing so.”

With a federal investigation circling the former interpreter, it’s unclear how long Mizuhara will last in the new role. Nevertheless, DraftKings is confident about the pickup.

“Did he defraud millions from a professional ballplayer to offset catastrophic gaming losses? That’s for a judge and jury to decide,” said the company spokesman. “Whether it’s an honestly earned paycheck that some poor sap put on Kentucky to get past the first round of the NCAA Tournament or a Saudi bet that we received partially in gold teeth pried from the wind-battered carcasses of a Somali warlord’s slain enemies, we at DraftKings, will take that action.”

When asked about the controversy, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred said, “Did you guys catch the game in Korea last week? It's a pretty crazy place, huh? I think I saw a magpie flying around in the outfield.”

Upon further being pressed as to whether his biggest star could be prosecuted for multiple felonies, thus tarnishing the sport’s reputation and dragging the league into another sordid calamity under his blemished tenure, Manfred yelled, “Hey, what’s that over there?” then dove behind a coat rack and hid until the press had cleared.

Many questions remain, but one thing is clear: if Ohtani lands on the injured list with broken legs, we’ll know it’s not from a collision at home plate.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get this parlay in.

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