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Seattle Mariners Admit to Throwing Games, Keeping Money from Children

Terrible news.

By Tyler Quik

SEATTLE– The Seattle Mariners find themselves in hot water after it was revealed this morning that the team is throwing games in order to avoid giving money to children in need. 

The team went into the 2022 season with expectations of reaching the playoffs for the first time in 21 years, going so far as to launch a charity that would give International Foster Care Alliance $1,000 for every home win, General Manager Jerry Dipoto said. 

That decision, Dipoto said, has been proven to be an absolute financial disaster that overlooked one key detail.

"The players are tired of seeing that money not being used on free agents or in trades so we can make a run," Dipto told End of the Bench via email. "We’re just running out of cash, and the players are tired of seeing that money go elsewhere."

The players echoed that statement.

“You must look at it through the perspective of a ballplayer,” said starting pitcher Marco Gonzales. “Some of these kids are going to want to eventually be ball players. I don’t care how young they are, that’s my competition. The way I see it, every pitch I leave in the middle of the plate secures money for my family.”

Shortstop JP Crawford is going as far as filling his cleats with rocks, a painful reminder for him to slow down on the bases. 

“When I play, my competitive drive takes over, and sometimes I forget this is a business,” he tells EOTB. 

Crawford, like many players, sees money spent off the field as a sign of a rebuild and a lack of trust for the core they currently have.

Mariners’ ownership is reportedly “scrambling,” as the situation develops, especially after the ugly incident that took place between first baseman Ty France and 7-year-old Josh Matthews during the team’s last homestand. 

“You want my job, come and take it!” France could be heard yelling from the dugout, before throwing a fungo bat toward the family.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops

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