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Scientists Say A.I. Will Generate Worse Sports Takes Than TV Analysts Within Five Years

Technology is getting scary.

By Connor Adams

PRINCETON, NJ - Look out Skip Bayless and Kendrick Perkins, a new study from Princeton University says that artificial intelligence will soon have the capacity to create ludicrous and borderline offensive takes on sports within the next few years that will rival even most TV personalities.

The study comes during a time of uncertainty around the use of A.I., with some questioning the ethical dilemma the use of it poses in verticals like finance, politics, and education.  

“It’s quite remarkable, really, that A.I. can already spit out Lebron's NBA Finals record when it is not warranted and lacking context at an incredible rate. Just think, in a few years it will be able to be as obnoxious as Skip Bayless on his worst day,” said Edward Joggers, a scientist at AthLabs, an A.I. company focused on the future of tech in sports. “We’re really excited about where this thing is heading.”

After compiling data of takes from analysts like Doug Gottlieb and Alexi Lalas, Joggers says the technology is rapidly figuring out how to look like a complete dumbass and elicit groans from anyone who knows more than one thing about sports.

Despite that excitement, the overall concerns still remain - with many scared of the impact A.I. will have on the job market.

“Where will we go to talk about how the pitch clock ruins the spirit of baseball or that athletes should stay out of politics?” said a prominent network analyst who wished to remain anonymous. “Are we just going to allow anyone or anyTHING on air to say whatever they want without repercussions? Think of the madness that would follow.” 

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Sources tell End of the Bench that not only will A.I. be able to come up with the terrible takes, but will be able to recite them in just as pompous and lacking in self-awareness as any Fox or ESPN analyst who has never actually played a sport in their life, something AthLabs is already working on. 

“We are teaching it how to interrupt, how to properly gaslight, and how to deflect anyone pointing out the flaws in their takes, it is inspiring,” said Joggers. “We haven’t figured out what to call it yet, but internally we refer to the technology as ‘StephenA.’”

Scientists are also developing the ability to automate the process of speaking to female hosts in a condescending tone, which Joggers adds “they have almost too much historical data for.”

“When the A.I. goes to pull data samples that reference toxic masculinity in sports broadcasting, it usually shorts out,” he added. “We’re hopeful to get that fixed sometime in the next century.”

AthLab scientists estimate most current sports shows consist of at least “40% bullshit takes”, and the ability to automate the attention-for-attention sake elements of sports shows is “rapidly approaching.” 

“Creating vapid and meaningless content with the click of a button will be here before we know it,” Joggers said. “It will make Twitter look like a retirement home’s activities board.”

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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