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Royals to Replace Entire Bullpen with One Really Good Trebuchet
By Drew Leman
KANSAS CITY - In a desperate turn of events, Kansas City Royals General Manager J.J. Picollo announced he intends to trade away the team’s entire bullpen and instead invest in a well-functioning medieval trebuchet that will launch baseballs from the pitcher’s mound to home plate.
“The decision was both strategic and financial,” claimed Picollo when reached for comment. “The trebuchet will allow us to bypass paying players’ salaries, yet we expect it also to be a valuable asset that will help us win ballgames.”
The decision comes at a time when the Royals boast a bottom-tier bullpen, and the team holds the second-worst record in the American League.
While the Royals’ last-place counterpart - the Oakland A’s - seemingly plan to invest their resources in relocating to Las Vegas, the Royals’ strategy can only be described as much more audacious.
“At one point in human history, the trebuchet was the most innovative piece of technology on the planet,” said Picollo. “Who says we can’t go back to those simpler times? Why reinvent the wheel when the secret to success has been catapulting us in the face this whole time?”
The trebuchet, according to Picollo, has actually been in development within the Royals’ organization for the past 18 months. Team scientists have been designing a series of trebuchets to launch increasingly smaller objects, beginning with the tried-and-true boulder and slowly working down to a standard MLB baseball.
When asked about the design process, the team’s leading scientist, Dr. Harvey Launch, commented that the prototype testing process was “arduous.”
“We began with your garden-variety test subjects: pumpkins, watermelons, cabbages,” claimed Dr. Launch. “But after an investigation from PETA, we felt it was best to move away from fruits and vegetables to prevent any suspicion of mistreatment.”
By the time the team left for spring training earlier this year, team scientists had allegedly developed a trebuchet that could launch a volleyball with pinpoint accuracy. By opening day, a softball.
Now that the team has finalized its design, it plans to phase out its bullpen and replace it with the trebuchet by the trade deadline.
The Royals’ daring move will undoubtedly impact baseball strategy for the entire MLB moving forward, but many suspect it will also impact League policy and player contracts.
When asked how he felt about the Royals’ trebuchet, MLBPA Executive Director Tony Clark claimed he felt his “hands were tied.”
“Player contracts currently have no clauses regarding being replaced with medieval superweapons,” claimed Clark. “We need to be sure we find ways to protect players from this kind of mistreatment in the future.”
If the Royals’ trebuchet proves itself effective, experts believe the MLB could see an influx of trebuchets, catapults, slingshots, and other projectile-launching weapons.
Baseball fans across the country now find themselves launched into a new chapter of the sport’s long, storied history.
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