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Romantic: Man Vows Not to Watch Third Quarter of Valentine's Day Game While Groping Wife

How thoughtful!


By Mike Range

ATLANTA — Despite the Atlanta Hawks having a decent chance to beat the Charlotte Hornets on Valentine’s Day, Hawks superfan Robert Phillips plans to barely pay attention to the third quarter of the game, and instead celebrate the occasion by fondling his wife, End of the Bench has learned.

"It's called 'quality time,' look it up," Phillips said when reached for comment. "If you want a strong relationship, you have to be willing to devote most of your attention to your partner for twenty minutes or so on special occasions."

While Phillips admits that missing twenty-five percent of a mid-February NBA game is extremely inconvenient, he feels it's a sacrifice more sports fans should be willing to embrace.

"I wouldn't say I'm a role model, necessarily," Mr. Phillips explained, mulling over his choice of Axe body spray for the big night, "I just know what works for us. And that's showing the love of my life how much I care by getting handsy with her, even if the Hawks are building a twelve-point lead that I'll only fully appreciate when I watch the replay later on NBA TV. Sure, I might have an idea of how things are going since I'll only lower the volume, but that's not the same." 

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Simply copping a feel is not Mr. Phillips's preferred ending to the evening's festivities, but ultimately, he feels that outcome is unavoidable.

"Could things advance past fondling? I have to think the opportunity will be there. Articles of clothing will probably be removed. I'll have the momentum. But Paula will want to move to the bedroom because she is 'not letting that happen on another couch,'" he said. "But there's no TV in there. And I've studied her game long enough to know she's going to demand some post-good-stuff cuddling. While I will chivalrously blow off the third quarter, I can't risk missing the fourth. The Hawks are on the bubble for the last play-in playoff spot; they need me."

Phillips does see a simple solution to the couple's predicament, though he claims his wife "stubbornly refuses to get on board."

"The frustrating thing is, if we waited until after the game, it wouldn't be an issue at all," he said. "But Paula insists she has to be asleep by nine-thirty because she has an 'important' interview for a promotion at work the next day. It's a ridiculous ask!"

End of the Bench will have more as soon as we figure out our Valentine's Day plans.

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