Report: SEC Expansion to Include Alaskan Preschool

By Ernie Sadashige

BIRMINGHAM, AL — In one of the biggest developments in college football history, an Alaskan preschool is reportedly joining the Southeastern Conference.

Little Icicles Academy, on Attu, the westernmost of Alaska's Aleutian Islands, had long been ignored by the now only two college mega-conferences. Its 20 inhabitants have no internet or cable TV, making it revenue negative, a prime opportunity for college football’s premier conference to make a play for the institution.

“We reached out to Little Icicles after the Big 10 signed a Middle School in America Samoa following our most recent signing of a high school in Puerto Rico,” said Greg Sankey, commissioner of the renamed SEC-ACC-Big 12-CUSA-Big South-Southern-Sunbelt-SWAC conference.

“Adding Little Icicles locks down our pipeline of potential college athletes and extends our footprint from Key West to almost the Arctic Circle,” he added.  

The move is seen as a fiscal win for both sides, one that reportedly came to fruition at the last moment.

“We were ready to sign with the Big 10 until the ghost of ‘Bear’ Bryant appeared in the Northern Lights like a scene from the Lion King,” said Little Icicles owner Evee Etok. “It was a sign.”

The SEC and Big 10 have been picking off schools left and right, with talks of 20-team leagues becoming more real every day.

Little Icicles will use its $100 million annual conference revenue to build a six-story indoor daycare facility complete with a film room, sauna, and indoor pool. Etok will also hire an athletic trainer, nutritionist, and sports psychologist.

“Joining the SEC will make us instantly competitive in the 5- and 10-meter baby crawl and highchair food throwing,” she said. “It’s a major win for this program.”

The baby crawl and food hurling matches will be televised live on the SEC’s new Arctic Sports subchannel.

With college football conference expansion now hitting the pre-K level, sources tell End of the Bench coaches have already begun aggressively pursuing commits from toddlers across the country and even fetuses on ESPN’s Top 100 Sonograms list. 

One thing is for sure, the baby formula market just became a whole lot more competitive.