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Report: Michigan Football Accused of Stealing Signs and the Last Slice of Pizza
Straight to jail.
By Clay Beyersdorfer
ANN ARBOR, MI – The University of Michigan Wolverines, already under scrutiny for allegedly scouting games to steal opponent signs, faced a fresh wave of controversy this week.
Insiders tell End of the Bench that team representatives have been consistently pilfering the final slice of pizza at every Big Ten Conference meeting, leaving fellow members hungry and resentful.
Big Ten Commissioner Tony Petitti held an emergency press conference on Thursday to address the dual allegations.
"Not only are we looking into this sign-stealing debacle," said an exasperated Petitti, "but we have substantial evidence pointing to the Wolverines' involvement in what we’re referring to as 'Operation Last Slice.' It's one thing to try and get a competitive edge on the field, but always taking the last piece of pepperoni? That's just immoral and goes against our ethical standards here in the Big Ten Conference."
Several coaches from other teams have anonymously come forward, sharing their experiences of reaching for that final slice, only to find an empty, grease-stained box.
"I thought I was going mad," shared one Big Ten coach who wished to remain anonymous. "Every meeting, it was the same thing. Discussions would be heating up about recruiting changes or scheduling, and I'd think 'Alright, let's take a pizza break.' And boom! Gone! It's psychological warfare, I tell you. Bad for the game of football."
Eyewitnesses claim that during the most recent meeting, a representative from Michigan was seen lurking suspiciously near the pizza table, making casual chit-chat while glancing furtively at the remaining slices.
"He was clearly staking out his prey," commented a rival school's athletic director, "waiting for the right moment to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat—or in this case, cheesy goodness from the hands of his colleagues."
As the investigation into these allegations continues, many in the college football community are left wondering what might come next.
Rumors are already circulating about missing donuts, covertly consumed coffee, and even an incident with Michigan State’s mascot.
“I heard last year they put their finger in the icing of Sparty’s birthday cake before it had been cut,” said another source. “No wonder those two schools hate each other so much.”
End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.
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