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Report: 90% Of Golfers Only Play So They Can Ride in Golf Carts

Vroom vroom.

In a bombshell revelation that has taken the golf world by storm, a report by the Pew Research Center released Monday concluded that almost 90 percent of golf players only take part in the sport to enjoy the golf cart rides.

“While the data might appear staggering, our findings clearly say that golfers around the world find it extremely more satisfying to take a ride across lush green fairways than hitting a small white ball around,” said lead researcher Aaron Spencer.

The report also revealed that for any golfer, no amount of aces, Eagles, or Birdies could replace the delight of a ride down the freeway. 

“It’s not about golf really,” said local golf enthusiast Mark Veneer, “It’s the rush of adrenaline I get down my body when I take a sharp turn around the sand trap to avoid crashing into the bunker.”

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Researchers suggested that golfers try to hit their longest shot off the tee not because they want to have the best chance at winning, but because they want to spend the most amount of time in their carts covering that distance.

According to the report, this love for golf carts extends to the professional players too. “People think the highlight of my career is winning 15 majors or the PGA Player of the Year title 11 times or World Golf Championship 18 times,” said legendary golfer Tiger Woods, “But the only moments of my golf career that I cherish are when my caddie and I tear down the fairway at the Augusta National Club with a brisk pace of 11 miles per hour.”

Sportscaster Jim Nantz, famous for his coverage of every single Masters Tournament on CBS since 1989, agreed with the findings of the research.

“What do Jack Nicklaus, Tiger Woods, Arnold Palmer and Phil Mickelson have in common? They were all complete masters of taking command of their cart as they drove out of the ‘rough’ and went swiftly into the ‘green’.”

At press time, another report was being published which said that the 87% of golf club memberships are bought by kids wanting to have a sand trap battle royale tournament with their friends.

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