- End of the Bench
- Replies to Gov. Brian Kemp’s Atlanta Braves Tweet from Gov. Brian Kemp
Replies to Gov. Brian Kemp’s Atlanta Braves Tweet from Gov. Brian Kemp
Nobody knows him better.
By T. Kent JonesWhile Stacey Abrams and the MLB stole the All-Star Game from hardworking Georgians, the Braves earned their trip to the World Series this season and are bringing it home to Georgia. Chop On, and Go Braves! - Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, via Twitter.1) Congratulations to the Atlanta Braves for winning the National League Championship Series. Georgia is proud of you. Best of luck in the World Series.” You’d have liked that one, wouldn’t you? Nice. Neutral. But if y’all think I’m going to let this pool go un-peed-in, think again.2) Another governor might have used the Braves’ NLCS win to curry some easy goodwill with the millions of Braves fans in your state and region who are also Democrats. And women. And Democratic women. But if you think you’re gonna trap Brian Kemp in your liberal “logic spaghetti,” you’ve got another thing coming.3) History proves that no sports team ever won a title unless the governor of that state first issued a nasty dig at his political opponent. How do you think the New York Yankees of the 1920s got so good? Babe Ruth? Lou Gehrig? Ha! It was New York governor Al Smith sending sick burn telegram after sick burn telegram to his Republican enemies.4) Braves manager Brian Snitker called me and begged, please, governor, would it possible for you to entangle my team in your political struggles? Your powerful grievance-- not superior pitching, fielding, hitting, or coaching-- will get us past the Astros. At this critical time, we need to be thinking WAY more about you.5) Hardworking Georgians want me to speak for them, as they are too busy working hard to speak, think or smear the correct political opponents for themselves. Ask a hard-working Georgian, what upsets you the most? Nine times out of ten she will say, the way that Stacey Abrams and the dad-gum MLB stole the All-Star Game from me. That was MINE!6) I am just a tiny bit disappointed in having to play the Houston Astros as I had a masterful tweet all ready for the Taxachusetts Communist Red Sox.7) What? No love for my “Chop On” kicker? I just made P.C. America spit out their Apple Crisp Macchiato. That’s called “added value” right there.8) For the record, Donald Trump did not call me up and scream at me to tweet something because he can’t tweet anymore. Also, his bottomless rage at losing Georgia in the presidential election, confirmed by recounts, has nothing to do with this, nor does the fact that he still rules my party with an iron fist and we are all super terrified of him.9)If the Georgia Bulldogs somehow fail to win the national college football championship, it will be because Stacey Abrams once again stole it from hard-working Georgians. And if the Bulldogs win, it will be because I, Governor Brian Kemp, had the courage to sit in a chair, eat Tostitos, and tweet.10) Just so you know, Stacey Abrams controls the outcome of all sporting events in Georgia. And the weather. And my mind. She’s always in there. Watching. Waiting. Judging me.