- End of the Bench
- Reality TV Shocker! WFT Owner Daniel Snyder Wins the Masked Singer!
Reality TV Shocker! WFT Owner Daniel Snyder Wins the Masked Singer!
We can't believe it.
By Rich TaylorIn a jaw-dropping season finale, NBC’s The Masked Singer crowned Washington Football Team owner Daniel Snyder as champion. The program, originally conceived for inclusion in the film “Idiocracy” but later cut for being “far too absurd and moronic even for this dystopic film,” is currently among the most-watched programs in the country.The two-hour curtain closer featured final performances by the three finalists, all of whom achieved fame in the world of sports. Snyder’s final performance of Shaggy’s hit “It Wasn’t Me” wowed the panel of “celebrity” judges, including Robin Thicke (also known as the poor man’s Adam Levine) who donned a wig of dreadlocks while “reggae jamming” in his seat. The WFT owner performed as the Leech, often punctuating performances by “secreting” legal filings at rapturous audience members. Prior to the finale, Snyder’s previous musical performances included the songs “O.P.P.” (an apparent nod to WFT, his team’s current, non-racist name), a poignant “I Can’t Make You Love Me” and “Money (That’s What I Want).” The diminutive dilettante’s big reveal stunned the studio audience and quickly dominated chatter across 8chan. As confetti rained down, an obviously emotional Snyder described his feelings in air-quote-filled remarks: “Just wow! I’ve never held an actual trophy before. Under the advice of counsel, I have no words. I am so grateful to the NFL for ‘suspending me’ so that I could take part in this incredible journey. Oh, and thank you to my wife Tanya for ‘running’ the team in my ‘absence’” Judge Jenny McCarthy-Wahlberg screamed, “now that we see it is you, the clues seem as obvious as my destiny to marry my soulmate, Donnie Wahlberg!” Impossible to shake host Nick Cannon then introduced a montage of Leech show highlights which included Snyder’s demands that no show personnel looks him directly in the antennae/eye, that he would only be answering only to “Mr. Leech,” and his filing of a lawsuit (later withdrawn) charging judge Nicole Scherzinger with disqualifying bias when he mistakenly took her for a former Redskins cheerleader. Runner-up character the “Astronaut” was revealed to be unvaccinated NBA all-star point guard Kyrie Irving. (Ed. Irving insisted on the quotation marks as part of his formal character’s name).“Astronaut” brought the house down with his high-energy performance of “She Blinded Me With Science.” Anti-Vaxxer judge McCarthy-Wahlberg charged the stage to embrace the non-mask wearing, now unmasked Irving, saying “Kyrie is not only talented but oh so wise! And don’t forget, I’m a Wahlberg!” Irving admitted to being disappointed at not winning the ultimate prize but had high praise for the experience. “I’ve traveled to both ends of this flat Earth of ours and you won’t find more talent and genius anywhere than here with Jenny, Nicole, Robin, Nick, and Ken (Jeong). They’re the real stars,” Irving said. “At least until we get some actual proof about whatever is going on up in the sky. I also need to talk to the people who made my costume ‘cuz they clearly are not making this lookup out of thin air. They know something.” Finishing in third place was the Big Blue Pill, who, to nobody’s surprise, was revealed to be none other than retired MLB slugger turned testosterone supplement peddler Frank “the Big Hurt” Thomas. Thomas’ final performance was a mash-up of hits including “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” “Lay Lady Lay” and “Do Me.” Following his elimination, Thomas winked into the camera while creepily and with no identifiable context saying, “and she’ll like it to.” “My husband is the Donnie Wahlberg!” added McCarthy-Wahlberg over the closing credits.