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Race Horses Prefer Verbal Encouragement Rather than Relentless Whipping, Survey Says

Protests are breaking out across the country.

By Henry Loe

CHURCHILL DOWNS, Ky. - Just days before the Kentucky Derby, a recent poll revealed that a staggering 80% of horses would run just as fast, if not faster if their jockeys exercised verbal encouragement rather than cracking a whip down on their hindquarters.

The viral statistic has swept through the horse racing world as reporters and degenerate gamblers flock to the athletes' stables and barns to gain further insight into this discovery.

“Is everyone really this shocked?” said Derby favorite, Fierceness, during a press conference held in his stall. “I mean, come on, we’re being whipped like the Jacksons out there. All you have to do is ask nicely and give me some positive affirmations along the way. After all, I’m the one doing all the leg work. The least you can do is pump me up a little without causing permanent damage.”

Fellow competitor Sierra Leone, had some choice words for his jockey, claiming he had been ‘whipped excessively’ during practice runs leading up to the race.

“Okay, I can understand one whip out of the gate. I’ll be the first to admit I have no clue what’s going on, where I am, or who’s on top of me,” said the brown colt on media day. “But doing that every day? Seems a little personal at that point. I mean, we’re talking about practice!” 

The 2023 Derby winner, Mage, offered some ideas for verbal encouragement to replace being beaten with a whip.

“Whatever happened to manners?” said the reigning champion. “Would it kill ya to say please? How about classics like ‘Yah’’ Or ‘Giddy Up’. And maybe after the race you say ‘Gee, thanks for running full speed on a crowded track with 19 other horses breathing down your neck’. Call me old-fashioned, but I think we need to establish a level of common decency here.”

Amid the outrage, Triple Crown winner, American Pharaoh, ripped the new generation of horses on his podcast, ‘Horsin’ Around’, calling them ‘soft’ and ‘entitled’.

“Secretariat. Seabiscuit. Myself. What do we all have in common? We were all champions and we were all whipped until we couldn't feel our hind legs. It’s not that bad.” said the Thoroughbred. “This generation is just soft in my opinion. My great-grandparents lived in an era where they stabbed you with spiked boots and shot revolvers in the air. Horses today can’t even take a little thunder. I would run circles around these foals.”

When reached for comment, many of the horses’ jockeys expressed mixed emotions, with most of them fearing that banning whipping would force them to have quality horsemanship.

However, their fears were soon quelled after the President and Vice Chairman of The Association of Racing Commissioners International (ARCI), Steven Vonn, issued the following statement:

“The committee fully understands that beating any animal other than a horse with a whip is completely illegal. But it’s tradition, and here at Churchill Downs, we strive to continue that tradition until it becomes frowned upon by the majority and ceases to make us money. But until then, blow that bugle baby!” 

The Chairman followed this statement by shouting the 34 notes of ‘The Call to Post’ while galloping in place.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get whipped.

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