Philadelphia 76ers Fire Doc Rivers After Learning He's Not an Actual Doctor

Did you check his references?

By Clay Beyersdorfer

PHILADELPHIA — In a shocking turn of events, the Philadelphia 76ers fired head coach Doc Rivers Tuesday, after discovering that he is not, in fact, an actual medical doctor. 

The organization, known for its infamous “process,” learned the truth behind Rivers' name over the weekend before the team lost to the Boston Celtics in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals.

While it's unclear whether Rivers ever presented himself as an actual provider during his coaching tenure, executives were reportedly “upset” after learning he didn’t possess any surgical or diagnostic skills, which became apparent after the team managed to score only 10 points in the third quarter of Sunday’s loss.

“It’s no surprise he couldn’t win the big games because true doctors thrive under pressure. They know how to dissect a situation quickly and how to react when something goes wrong,” a source tells End of the Bench. “He looked more like Doogie and less like Howser if you know what I mean.”

The revelation has left the Sixers' front office questioning how they managed to entrust their championship hopes to a man who couldn't even prescribe a simple aspirin, let alone a zone defense after Celtics forward Jayson Tatum scored 51 points, nearly all of which came on the exact same pick and roll play in the third quarter.

“He duped everybody, both on and off the court,” the source added. “He had people really believing he could heal this team and bring this city to a full recovery after years of pain and anguish. Now we see he’s just a basketball coach and barely one at that.” 

Despite the initial optimism surrounding Rivers' appointment as head coach in 2020, the team's failure to advance beyond the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals during his three-year tenure became an increasingly glaring blemish on his career. 

When asked to comment on the unexpected turn of events, 76ers General Manager Elton Brand could only shake his head in disbelief. 

"We really thought we had found the right man to mend this organization’s broken bones, especially with a name like Doc," Brand said. "But it seems we overlooked the most important detail during the hiring process. How could we have been so blind? Looks like we all could use a trip to the eye doctor."

In an effort to console the disgruntled fan base, team owner Josh Harris issued a public apology, assuring supporters that the organization would take every necessary step to ensure that their next coach would possess an actual doctorate. 

"Rest assured, we will not make the same mistake twice," Harris stated. "We know what it takes to make it to a championship in Philadelphia now. And it's more than just being having two elite-level players on your roster, one of which was named the Most Valuable Player this year, or one of the highest salary caps in the league. It takes a true brain surgeon."

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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