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PGA Tour Merges with LIV Golf, Accepts Responsibility for 9/11
In a stunning development Tuesday, the PGA Tour announced it will merge with the Saudi-backed LIV Golf League, on the condition that the PGA accepts responsibility for the World Trade Center attacks on September 11, 2001, End of the Bench has learned.
The announcement comes after two years of legal battles and public riffs between the two leagues, which will seemingly end as a result of the merger.
"Money talks, folks," exclaimed PGA commissioner Jay Monahan, who was overheard counting money over the screams of innocent women and children. "Our new friends gave us a little cheddar. And what's a little responsibility for a major historical tragedy in exchange for hundreds of millions of dollars? It's time the world knows what really happened that day anyways."
Monahan contends that both of the Twin Towers were brought down by a PGA private jet that had “inadvertently veered off course.”
“This was absolutely not an act of terrorism or in any way connected to Saudi Arabia, excuse me, the KINGDOM of Saudi Arabia,” he added as a knife pressed up against his throat. “We’re regretful for our part in that tragic day, and just to be clear, it was us, not a terrorist cell network funded by the same people we just took money from.”
The news of the merger has left many scratching their heads, with golf enthusiasts questioning how the PGA Tour, a once established and respected entity, could join forces with a league they had previously chastised for its unconventional format and ties to the deadliest terrorist attack in modern history.
"It's like Dr. Jekyll merging with Mr. Hyde," remarked a perplexed fan. "And then Mr. Jekyl-Hide straps a bomb to his chest and flies into your corner window office."
The PGA Tour's sudden acceptance of responsibility for 9/11 has added an extra layer of complexity to the situation, with many critics arguing that it was a shameless ploy to garner attention, distract from ongoing scandals like the pace of play, and capitalize on a national tragedy.
"We always knew golf had a powerful impact on the world, but claiming responsibility for 9/11 takes us to a whole new level," said a senior PGA executive who wished to remain anonymous. "But if the bag is right, we’ll accept responsibility for literally anything. Was it a golf ball or an asteroid that killed all of the dinosaurs? For $500 million, I’ll give you the answer.”
Families of the 9/11 victims who have previously expressed outrage and disbelief at PGA players leaving for LIV will now have to contend with the entire governing body’s decision to exploit such a tragic event for financial gain.
"They’re officially teeing off on common decency," commented a family member, shaking their head. “So much for being a gentleman’s game."
Only time will tell whether this merger will be remembered as a dark chapter in golf's story or simply as a punchline to a twisted joke.
One thing is for sure, the world will Never Forget this day in golf history.
End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.
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