Orioles Somehow Already Eliminated from Playoffs

By Devin Wallace

BALTIMORE - As the 2022 MLB season heads into its second week of games, the Baltimore Orioles have somehow been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention in October.

“We ran the numbers, and the numbers don’t lie,” said Orioles General Manager Mike Elias as he booked a vacation house in Cancun for late April. “We have the most sophisticated analytics department in baseball, and when we asked if we could make the playoffs, the computer spits out a piece of paper that said “NO. On the back, it was a little more nuanced. It said, “NO F****** WAY.”

The Orioles, who lost 110 games in 2021, have begun this season 1-3, which is enough for every player, front-office employee, and commentator to write them off for the remaining 160 games.

“I’m surprised it took so long,” said Orioles manager Brandon Hyde. “I figured by the end of Spring Training we’d officially have no shot, so it’s a testament to our guys that we made it four whole games into the season without abandoning all hope for the franchise. Next year, the sky's the limit, as long as the sky’s three games long.”

Baltimore has seemingly adapted to being out of contention, giving more playing time to rookies, bringing up more minor leaguers, and letting any random fan play a couple of innings in the outfield.

Season ticket-holder Ryan Kostas had mixed feelings about the team's performance.

“As a long-time fan, I’m obviously disappointed we’re already out of the running. But, as the new second baseman, I’m really grateful to have the opportunity to get some game time,” said Kostas as he took batting practice from the Orioles' newest starting pitcher, the Wetzel’s Pretzel vendor.

Front-office members denied reports that the team had “given up,” saying they truly believed replacing their usual starters with nine plastic mannequins in the field gave them the best opportunity to win.