One Sentence Guide to Every World Cup Team

The only World Cup guide you need.

By Connor Adams

Ahead of the kickoff to the 2022 World Cup on Sunday, End of the Bench has everything you need to know about every team on the pitch.


“The hosts of this year's world cup, they would like to remind everyone to please take their shoes off before entering the country.”


“Known as “La Tri” because they always Tri but never beat Brazil or Argentina.”


“Riding high after winning the African Cup of Nations, which is not an item at Anthropologie targeted at 35-year-old white women but an actual trophy.”


“This team is often patient in the build-up but can heat up quick, which is why soccer fans call them the Dutch Ovens.”


“A nation still reeling from a great loss, Harry Kane and the team surely play their heart out to honor the memory of beloved former child star Aaron Carter.”


“Many teams have been speculating that their forwards are developing quite the striking ability now that the agreement limiting their offensive weapons has been called off.


“Known for their fiery smack talk, at least we think it is it just looks like a bunch of consonants running into each other.”

United States

“If you don’t root for this team or think it can win it all you’re either a communist or someone who pays attention to soccer.”


“Argentina is hoping to win what is most likely Lionel Messi's last tournament before he becomes a bored MLS player.”

Saudi Arabia

“This upstart team might be nervous about playing in such a liberal and hippy-dippy place as Qatar, but it hopefully won’t rattle their chances.”


“No bueno.”


“This team has more -skis than Aspen and no chance in hell at winning this thing.”


“The reigning champions are looking to avoid a World Cup hangover, they much prefer the red wine and cigarette hangover.”


“This dark horse team faces an uphill battle having to travel so far and not having any talented players or interest in anything that isn’t rugby or Russel Crowe.”


“Known as the happiest country in the world, they are just excited to be there and out of the cold.”


“Many folks might be doubting this team's chances, as they should, they aren’t very good.”


“They don’t call it soccer, but if they did they’d call it Thoccer.”

Costa Rica

“Not many people are aware but this beautiful resort location has a world-class goalkeeper in Keylor Navas, an entire soccer team, a government, and actual living people!”


“Germany and Japan are in the same group this year, they promised to not get up to their old Axis hijinks.”


“Hopefully the team will adapt to a country with much less technologically advanced toilets.”


“Belgium is known for its beautiful towns, superstar mid fielder Kevin De Bruyne, the brutal colonization of the Congo, and delicious waffles.”


“Star forward Jonathan David is aiming to score the most goals this tournament and win the Golden Aboot.”


“This team will look to live up to the honor they have being the only African country with a section at Epcot.”


“With players like Luka Modric, Ivan Perisic, Mateo Kovacic, and Marcelo Brozovic, this team has the ic to win big.”


“This will be easily the best-waxed team on the pitch this year.”


“This team is looking forward to taking a break from playing henchman in John Wick movies to play some soccer.”


“This team has it all, a solid midfield, good defense, a blade, a screwdriver, scissors, a file, a bottle opener, and other gadgets.”


“Don’t know anything about this team? That’s ok they don’t know anything about you either.”


“If Portugal wins, Cristiano Ronaldo would finally catch a break, the poor ugly bastard deserves something good.”


“While everyone knows that Ghana is home to Lake Volta, the world’s biggest man-made lake, coming in at over 250 miles long and covering 3,283 square miles, not everyone knows their soccer team is incredibly mediocre.”


“As winners of the first World Cup in 1930, the team is pretty excited the world economy is starting to look like it did then, which must be a good sign!”

South Korea

“Of the Koreas, this is the best one at soccer and human rights.”

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