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Ohtani Hits 493-Foot Homer, Fails To Impress Millipede
By Audrey Clark
LOS ANGELES — Angels superstar Shohei Ohtani made history last week with an incredible 493-foot home run, but representatives of the millipede community say he still has a long way to go.
"493 feet? That's pathetic," tweeted out Carapace Joe, a local baseball fan who also happens to be an arthropod of the class Diplodopa, "Add on another 507 feet, and then we'll talk."
Ohtani's incredible homer was the longest home run of the 2023 MLB season and the longest of his career. Still, the incredible achievement has many of his fans shaking their gross little insectoid heads.
"Sure, he's a helluva player," said sports blogger Persephone Eumillipes, who is a member of the species *Eumillipes Persephone*, "But people keep throwing around '493 feet' like it's a big deal. Babe, I've got 1,300 feet. And that's on a bad day."
It's not the first time Ohtani's caught heat from a bunch of freaky little bugs. Just last week, he had to fight off a flying insect while facing off against the White Sox.
The insect in question was Los Angeles Mickey The Fly, who made a characteristically crass statement, "GO SOX! EAT MY ASS, ANGELS! Hey, 493 feet is pretty impressive though. That's 487 more than I got!"
End of the Bench reached out to Ohtani himself, to find out what he thinks about this pushback from the arthropod community, and whether he thinks it might impact his ability to join the Bug League, which is a little miniature baseball league that a bunch of bugs play inside an old pizza box.
A spider is the Commissioner, and they use a passionfruit seed as the ball.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" said Ohtani.
End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.
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