NY Yankees Announce New "Play-From-Home" Policy


By Michael SolomonNEW YORK - In the wake of new COVID-19 infections and a season that’s headed down the tubes, New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman announced this morning that a new “Play-From-Home” option will go into effect immediately. “We’ve had guys phoning it in all year,” said Cashman. “What’s the harm in officially switching to remote play and seeing if that doesn’t improve our record, not to mention team morale?” According to the new policy, players will be given the choice to come into the clubhouse and suit up or make their plate appearances from the large screen Jumbotron located in centerfield. “The way they’re calling balls and strikes against us this year, it won’t make a shred of difference,” said Yankee manager and former third baseman Aaron Boone. “Plus, even when we do swing at strikes, it’s not like we’re hitting them with any consistency. At least not that I’ve seen.” At a team meeting held last night, players were invited to speak openly about their preferences to management. “Honestly, I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with my kids between innings,” said Yankee left fielder Brett Gardner. “I think it’s time we recognize that forcing players to sit around playing grab-ass and spit out sunflower seeds, rather than helping with the dishes or watching a Disney movie with our families, is counterproductive.Anyone who’s watched a baseball game knows how boring it gets. Especially when you’re losing this much. I think it makes good sense to try to take all that downtime and make it more productive.”Gardner wasn’t the only player to voice his approval of the new policy. “I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve wasted hanging around the bullpen,” said Yankees reliever Aroldis Chapman. “It’s demoralizing. I have friends back in Cuba who’ve built their own apiaries and gardens while working from home during the pandemic. Me? I haven’t even got a puppy to show for it because I’m not home to walk it. It’s patently unfair.” Yankee owner Hal Steinbrenner was initially opposed to the switch but later relented when he learned that fans would still be coming in person. “I mean, yes the TV revenue is important, but I’ve got luxury boxes to fill and hotdogs to sell so as long as somebody’s shelling out the dough to cover that, I don’t care if the players participate over Zoom, frankly.” One potential hiccup to the new workplace structure that arose was the issue of remote fielding. “I know it’s never been done before, but hey, we sent guys to the moon and back, didn’t we?” said Yankee shortstop Gleyber Torres. “Let’s face it, our fielding sucks this year. It’s like we’re afraid of the ball or something. I’ve got a strong feeling that not having to actually touch the ball will cut down on some of the bobbles and throwing errors that have really put us behind the eight-ball. I mean, Boston.” MLB commissioner Rob Manfred has yet to give his blessing to the Yankees’ plan, though it’s been reported that he may want to think about it over and over several dozen times just in case. In a separate announcement, Yankee relief pitcher Brooks Kriske, who threw a record four wild pitches in the tenth inning of a loss to the first-place Red Sox last week, has been assigned to Triple-A, and will be allowed to play from any other planet of his choosing.

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