Novak Djokovic Requests Medical Exemption from Playing in Front of Hostile Crowds

By William Vaillancourt

Following the release of the Australian Open men’s singles draw, the 3-time defending champion, alleged 2-time covid-haver, and definite 0-time covid vaccine recipient Novak Djokovic issued a stunning request of tournament organizers: Exempt me from playing in front of hostile crowds.

“It’s always bothered me when people root for the other guy, even though I’m the best player in the world,” Djokovic said Thursday in a written statement to tournament director Craig Tiley, whose name was misspelled.

“In fact, that noise is legitimately harmful to my health. I’m only bringing it up now, not because what I did over the last few weeks will make people root against me even more. No, that has nothing to do with it. It’s just because they’re more determined than ever to not see me break the record for most majors, which would be a great win for freedom-loving people everywhere. As my father said, they are using anything they can to try to crucify me as they did with Jesus.”

Djokovic’s camp did not return a request for comment when asked if the general public’s lukewarm perception of him could have something to do with his pseudo-scientific views, like how prayer and belief could purify toxic water. The number one seed actually cited one of those opinions as another reason why he deserves to compete in an empty Rod Laver arena.

“While I have the utmost respect for the government’s policy to only allow vaccinated spectators onto the tournament grounds, it is my sincerely held belief that being surrounded by thousands of them at once will disturb my body’s natural geomagnetic aura,” Djokovic asserted.

“That would not only warp my depth perception, but it would slow my reaction time as well. I know this because whenever I’m within six feet of even a small group of vaccinated people, I feel my energy being sapped out of me, which is exactly what happened years ago when I held a piece of bread to my stomach to find out whether I was intolerant to gluten.”

Tournament organizers said Djokovic’s request will undergo a ”rigorous review process,” as was the case with his request for a vaccine exemption, which they ultimately granted.