NHL Bans Players from Having Discernible Personality Traits

By Lauren Grimaldi

NEW YORK - Following the recent controversy surrounding the league’s denial of Minnesota Wild goalie Marc Andre Fleury’s custom Native American Heritage night mask, the National Hockey League has decided to eliminate all forms of self-expression, End of the Bench has learned.

The league said it hopes this will cut back on the unnecessary distractions and inconveniences that come with fans identifying with and liking players.

“We can’t have a bunch of people out there relating to our players,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “That’s not the way we grow the game. We can only do that by having our players speak only in athletic clichés in the most monotone tone known to man.”

Some players are embracing the news, saying that it’ll free up their time to focus more on the game.

“This is really going to help us play a full 60 minutes,” said Chicago Blackhawks star rookie Connor Bedard, while staring blankly into the camera. “By not having to act like real people with feelings, we can just take it one shift at a time, grind it out, play our game, and find a way to win.”

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More seasoned players of the league like Connor McDavid, however, are worried this new rule could stop them from getting their point across to the fans and the public at large.

“If we can’t express ourselves, how will fans get to know who we truly are?” McDavid said, before taking the reporter’s microphone out of his hands and screaming, “Someone please get me the fuck outta Edmonton. This might be the last time you hear from me. I beg you, please, someone help me. This is the worst experience of my life. I just want to be free. I can’t live like this anymore. Please help. PLEASE!”

At press time, End of the Bench was working to confirm rumors that Bettman is also planning to institute a league-wide policy that forces each team to change to grey or off-white jerseys, while also forbidding players from having their name on the back.

“People need to just focus more on the game itself rather than meaningless details like who’s on the ice or who’s playing or what teams are in the league,” Bettman reportedly said. “After all, I think we have too many fans watching these games as it is. It’s time to consolidate.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story as it develops, while ESPN covers Division III Bowling.

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