NHL Announces New ‘Designated Fighter’ Position

Choose your fighter!

FIGHT NIGHT!

By Mary E. McCartney

NEW YORK – National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced that each team will add a new position to their roster: designated fighter.

“We took a cue from Major League Baseball,” explained Bettman. “Designated hitters spare pitchers from wasteful batting practice. Now NHL teams will each have one player who focuses solely on fighting, so the rest of our players can focus on often overlooked parts of the game, like shooting and scoring.”

The new designated fighter (DF) position will take effect in the 2024 playoffs.

Following the announcement, teams wasted no time in selecting their own Designated Fighters, including the Tampa Bay Lightning who announced that Tanner “The Oxbow Ox” Jeannot would be their man. 

 “Sure, I’m proud of my ability to score goals and to put up numbers,” said Jeannot. “But the rule change will allow me to focus my efforts on my favorite part of the game: the adrenaline rush I get from beating the living shit out of another human being.”

Those teams without outstanding existing enforcers will look to external sources for potential designated fighter candidates.

“We got a record number of calls from recently laid-off Meta employees encouraging us to recruit amateur MMA fighter Mark Zuckerberg,” said San Jose Sharks Head Coach David Quinn.  “As tempting as it was, we declined. Even the NHL has some standards.”

“Our best scouting happens on Saturday nights in South Boston sports bars,” said Boston Bruins head coach Jim Montgomery. “I’m not worried about it to be honest.”

The NHL also announced it will institute an additional event at next year’s All-Star Game called the ‘Goon Squad Smackdown,” where fans will vote to determine the rosters for an exhibition of three 20-minute periods of nothing but fighting.

“We took a look at the numbers and came to realize the one sure-fire way to improve our attendance numbers and declining interest in the game,” said an NHL spokesperson when reached for comment. “And that’s by adding more violence.”

End of the Bench will have more as soon as we improve our fighting skills.

NHL Proposes Ban on Fighting, Encourages Players Talk Behind Opponents’ Backs, Roll Eyes

Sassy much?

www.endofthebenchsports.com/p/nhl-proposes-ban-on-fighting-encourages

NHL Bans Players from Having Discernible Personality Traits

Cut out the character!

www.endofthebenchsports.com/p/nhl-bans-players-from-having-discernible

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