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NFL Petitioned by Deshaun Watson to Extend Suspension of Deshaun Watson
By Mike Range
CLEVELAND - With Deshaun Watson on the verge of ending his eleven-game suspension and playing for the first time this season with the Cleveland Browns, the NFL has received an emergency appeal from the embattled quarterback to "just go ahead and call it a year."
The overnighted request, which legal experts at NFL headquarters called "redolent of Touchy McStrokerson's Coconut-Guava Massage Oil," arrived mere hours after the team’s inexplicable win over Tampa Bay this past Sunday.
Watson conceded that he had been arguing for the exact opposite outcome only months ago but explained that there were now extenuating circumstances.
"Have you seen the games? The ways they find to lose? I have an image to protect. Well, an on-field image, anyhow.
"Look, I'm not saying I never want to play for the Browns. I mean, good luck finding another team desper - uh, generous enough to pay a guy with twenty… four? five? -- let's say twenty-some sexual assault allegations -- the equivalent of a winning lottery ticket every time he steps on the field. I'm just saying why not wait till next season when the guys maybe aren't looking so… Brownsy."
Asked about the likelihood that the NFL would grant Watson's request, Commissioner Roger Goodell placed his forearms on his desk, leaned toward the bank of microphones, and laughed for fifteen minutes.
"The chances of that," said Goodell, wiping his eyes, "is the same as the number of Super Bowls (™️ © ® 'Patent Pending') the Browns have played in. Obviously, the best deterrent to Mr. Watson repeating his reprehensible actions is being forced to finish the season with the Cleveland Browns. If walking a mile in the cleats of Tim Couch, Johnny Manziel, and Baker Mayfield doesn't scare him straight, nothing will. In fact, a six-game stint with the Browns is now the penalty for all off-field transgressions, regardless of which team you're on."
At press time, Mr. Watson was crouching behind a blocking sled, praying for a "freak accident" to land him on IR.
End of the Bech will have more as this story develops.
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