NFL Introduces Running Back Share System

By Andrew Rodwin 

After End of the Bench reported last week that NFL teams will pay their running backs in snacks and foosball this upcoming season, it was revealed today that the league is also considering turning its ball carriers into gig workers for tax purposes. 

This new program, called the "just-in-time running game” and headed up by Troy Vincent Sr., the NFL’s EVP of Football Operations, is set to “revolutionize the way running backs function within the league.”

Under this novel concept players will compete on a weekly basis for coveted roster spots in what is being called the "running back sharing economy." The shift means that each week, these players will bid for positions on all 30 NFL teams using a brand new Uber Runs app.

“Running backs are a shared commodity these days, much of the time even sharing their own backfield,” Vincent said in a statement. “So our thought is - why not just share them with the rest of the league?”

Uber, the trusted league partner, will play a pivotal role in this innovative scheme. Leveraging its massive web presence, Uber will facilitate weekly deals between teams and players, ensuring a seamless process. 

Additionally, their extensive driver network will be tasked with delivering running backs a full 24 hours ahead of kickoff, giving them ample time to familiarize themselves with their new team's plays and facilities.

According to Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi, who has acquired a profound football expertise through his devout watching of 49ers games, this extra preparation time will enable running backs to master even the most complex plays, such as FB West Right Slot 372 Y Stick on Two, and also locate essential facilities like the weight room.

“Each running back will be given every NFL playbook and be expected to memorize all of the plays on a weekly basis,” Khosrowshahi said. “With the rates they’re being paid, each team will now get even more bang for their buck and will also be providing a valuable service to the NFL community.”

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As an added incentive, Uber will extend a 20% discount on all UberEats orders made in conjunction with the arrival of their running backs, fostering a sense of partnership between the company and the teams.

To avoid confusion with team numbering schemes, running back jerseys will eschew traditional numbers in favor of advertisements. For example, when Derrick Henry charges through opponents with the force of an AGM-28 Hound Dog cruise missile, the referees will announce the penalty by citing the offending team and the advertisement displayed on the jersey. 

For instance, "Unnecessary roughness, Tennessee Titans, big dawg sporting the Bud Lite Hard Seltzer ad, 15 yards, automatic first down!"

The revenue generated from these jersey advertisements will be pooled into a special fund designed to award an NFL-monogrammed wheelchair to any running back who manages to sustain a successful career into his 30s.

“We want to ensure each running back’s maintenance well after their playing career, because we’re a player’s first league,” Vincent said. “And we especially want to recognize those running backs who eclipse the century mark of five years.”

Whether this bold experiment will truly be a win-win for all parties involved remains to be seen, but one thing is for sure: the NFL is venturing into uncharted territory with this game-changing approach.

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