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NFL Announces Super Bowl LVIII Will Only Be Available on Crunchyroll

Nerds beware.

By Doug Kolic

NEW YORK – After drawing the ire of football fans across the nation for making the Chiefs-Dolphins Wildcard game exclusive to streaming service Peacock, the NFL announced that Super Bowl LVIII would only be available on Crunchyroll, according to confused sources.

“Even though we pissed off a lot of people who had to pony up an additional $5.99 to watch Kansas City defeat Miami, we’ve decided to double down and make the biggest game of the year only available on something called Crunchyroll,” stated Roger Goodell. “Sure, I’ve never heard of this digital platform before today, but my team of trusted interns tells me it’s where the younger demo likes to hang out, so it’s a no-brainer we partner up with them for some extra cash.”

The Commissioner added, “Even though most of you groaned about us ‘gatekeeping’ important playoff games, the matchup on Peacock was the most streamed event in US history. Now we can disregard all the haters and do whatever the hell we want because we know you’ll follow us at any cost. And if that means making you pay extra for the Super Bowl on what I assume is a streamer devoted to food, so be it. I have spoken.”

Crunchyroll subscriber Kenneth Armstrong wasn’t confident the NFL did their research before making their decision.

“Do they know they’re airing the Super Bowl on an anime-centric streamer?” said Armstrong who was busy binging “Yona of the Dawn.” “Crunchyroll doesn’t even air any live sporting events, the closest thing it has is old episodes of “Kuroko’s Basketball.” Most of us love anime to escape the real world which can be a scary place, so forcing this sport onto our favorite platform is a real head-scratcher. Plus, a lot of us were bullied by jocks growing up, so this is all a bit triggering. Please, go back to Peacock.”

Media expert Lexie Carling explained that sports leagues are willing to do anything to increase their profits.

“Just because the NFL is already worth billions of dollars doesn’t mean it will stop trying to gauge their viewers for more,” said Carling. “Even though making TV’s biggest spectacle exclusive to a channel most people have never heard of ever heard of is a nightmare, Mr. Goodell knows that our collective thirst for football needs to be satisfied, despite the fact it would cost an extra $14.99 just to be part of such a global event. To put it quite plainly, they’ve got us by the cock and balls and they’re not planning to let go.”

At press time, the NFL announced users would have to pay an additional $9.99 to unlock the Super Bowl halftime show.

End of the Bench will have more as soon as we figure out what Crunchyroll is.

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