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New Study Scientifically Proves That the Browns Suck
Backed by data.
By James Knapp
CLEVELAND - An exhaustive study conducted by the Ohio Institute of Slow Learners has conclusively confirmed that the Cleveland Browns do, in fact, suck super hard, unprofessional sources tell End of the Bench..
“We try our best every game - but if we’re really being honest, this team sucks harder than a vacuum cleaner in a dust storm,” explained Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson. “I swear it isn’t all my fault! I throw the ball just like the instructional video told me to. Sometimes I think I would have been better off if I’d just stayed in culinary school.”
The study, which compiled game data from the past 75 years, conclusively proved that the team has and likely always will suck major bozons. Despite these conclusions, Browns owner Jimmy Haslam remains optimistic and steadfast in his support for the team.
“I’m proud to own… what is it again? The Browns! Oh God help me!” bemoaned Haslam while attempting to hastily fashion a makeshift noose. “Okay, okay, I’m fine now. But seriously if any of you has forty bucks I’ll sign the team over to you right now. You can even have the mascot for free - I believe it's a facade of a literal toilet.”
End of the Bench sat down with the Browns' most recent rival, the junior varsity team from East Cleveland Technical High School.
“We like to have an easy warm-up game at the start of every season. Just to build up team confidence and boost morale. So naturally we decided to kick the ever-loving shit out of the Browns before our big match against West Cleveland High - those guys are tough!” stated ECTHS running back Jeremy Horowitz. “I’ll admit, I kind of felt bad for the Browns. Sure, they’re a professional team - but we really did wallop on those goons. At a certain point in the third quarter, I just started intentionally throwing interceptions at them. I just thought they needed the boost more than we did.”
At press time, the Browns were considering quitting football altogether and trying a new sport, with quarterback Watson saying “I’m thinking tennis.”
End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.
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