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NBA Slam Dunk Contest to Remove Annoying Dunking Requirement
By Mike Range
SALT LAKE CITY - In an attempt to revive flagging interest in its All-Star Weekend event, the NBA has decided the Slam Dunk competition will no longer require that the basketball being dunked actually find its way through the hoop.
Commissioner Adam Silver made the announcement during the opening press conference ahead of the league’s annual All-Star weekend.
"Interest has plummeted faster than the Nets' interest in Kyrie Irving," said Silver. "At the height of last year's contest, '#NBADumbContest' was trending on Twitter. Something had to be done.”
Silver emphasized the need for change in order to create a contest that is engaging for modern-day fans.
"Look, we all know these guys are accomplishing things physically impossible for 99.99% of human beings to have ever walked the earth, but that is simply not entertaining enough for today's discerning NBA fan, most of whom would rupture both hamstrings if they jumped over a garden hose.”
Despite the sudden rule change and pivot away from actual basketball, Silver is hopeful that an emphasis on “entertainment” will drive its participants to be even more creative.
"The players will have more freedom to be creative rather than be worried about silly technicalities like dunking the ball in a dunk contest,” he said. “Can't you picture players springing off flaming trampolines to clear a gator-filled moat - also on fire - as they soar majestically toward the hoop only to brick it off the front end of the rim?”
Silver also alluded to other possible rule changes for future contests.
"We’ve toyed with the idea of adding bonus points for dunks in which the ball ends up farthest from the basket. Imagine a contest where you could smack one off the rim after performing some Simone Biles or Tony Hawk shit and the ball launches into the backcourt? It would be an automatic 10.”
And if the new rule ends up being a flop?
"Well, we’ve always go the Harlem Globetrotters on speed dial. You’re a dick if you don’t like those guys.”
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