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Nation’s Wrestlers Destroy Proud Table & Chair Maker’s Life’s Work


by Doug Kolic

PALERMO, Italy – A 95-year-old Italian craftsman known for passionately making tables and chairs with every ounce of love that God bestowed upon him, recently discovered that his life’s work was being used by professional wrestlers in America as a cheap prop to inflict extreme pain against each other, according to sources trying to console him.

“I’m just a simple man with only one purpose on earth like my ancestors before me, to make chairs and tables for people to enjoy sitting and placing things on,” stated Giuseppe Totti as he iced his arthritic hands. “But then I caught my great-grandson watching something called WWE SmackDown and saw my babies being used as weapons to pummel each other over the head by behemoths who thought it was also appropriate to callously smash through my precious tables from the top rope.”

“Each one of these items is handcrafted in my workshop and can take hundreds of hours to painstakingly produce,” continued a somber Totti. “I honestly don’t know how this could have happened, I signed a long-term contract with a nice man back in the ‘80s named Vincent who assured me they would go to a noble cause, like church groups or orphanages. I wish I could say more, but he made me sign an NDA for some reason.”

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WWE’s Kevin Owens expressed surprise that the thousands of tables and chairs he’s personally destroyed over the years weren’t mass-produced in a factory somewhere.

“Holy shit, one guy makes these by hand?,” stated Owens as he was about to powerbomb Roman Reigns through a stack of tables. “I was wondering what the inscription ‘G.T.’ meant and just assumed it was the initials of sweatshop WWE contracted to make these as quickly and inexpensively and as possible.”

“Come to think of it,” continued Owens as he tossed Reigns into the crowd instead. “I did overhear Vince on the phone once threatening to sue somebody and ensure they never worked again if they couldn’t meet their prop delivery deadlines in time for Wrestlemania. To know that he was actually bullying an elderly furniture maker really surprises me, said no one ever. It's not the first time he’s tried to screw someone over and certainly won’t be the last. I just hope Mr. Totti will be lucky enough to keep the rights to his own name.”

At press time, Totti was attending the funeral of his younger brother Goffredo, a devoted ladder maker who dropped dead after watching clips of the Joey Mercury incident in the fatal four-way tag match at WWE’s Armageddon 2006.

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