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Nation Rejoices as Baseball Season Finally Fucking Over Again


By Divyansh Kulshrestha

PHILADELPHIA - Relishing the fact that they would finally be able to stop hearing about the game of baseball again, the entire population of the United States reportedly “rejoiced” Friday as the Major League regular season finally ended.

“It almost feels surreal. I can’t believe we were subjected to these dumb playoffs,” said a Philadelphia resident who wished to remain anonymous. “How can it be interesting to tune into the 9th inning and see whether some random rookie from Texas can throw a strike or not? Baseball is just stupid and I am just so so so happy it is over.”

Echoing that bliss is an Atlanta area man, who added that he’ll especially not miss watching the games on television. 

“Thank God I won’t have to see which 4-year-old caught the last foul ball or which famous TikTok influencer has come to support their team,” he said. “Which is ironic because literally nobody on TikTok watches baseball. And nobody should because it’s dumb and stupid and I hate it.”

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According to Jason Taylor, a Los Angeles native, “billions” of Americans also extremely disliked any mention of sabermetrics or advanced stats in conversations about baseball.

“Honestly, I’m so happy that I don’t have to hear another commentator tell me how the current matchup is interesting because the fat ass hitter at home plate has an OPS of .700 but the pitcher has an ERA of 2.66,” Taylor said. “Like, what the hell does that even mean? How did baseball become so nerdy? It’s like give it up already, cancel the fucking game entirely. Get it out of my life already.”

Even some sports analysts agreed with the sentiments of the nation. 

“I’m really on cloud nine because now we won’t need to have a discussion about who the best baseball team is,” said a radio host based out of Houston. “It’s like seriously, just shut up about it already, we get it. It’s football time. Go Texans!”

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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